


Context

by linzclair219



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, Love, M/M, Secret Relationship, To a point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-14 15:18:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linzclair219/pseuds/linzclair219
Summary: "Sonny’s there when it’s time for them to go to bed, and every night he wraps his arm around Mike. Because, even though he won’t admit it to another living soul, Mike is more afraid of the dark as an adult than he was as a child.Now Mike knows what’s really hiding out there, just waiting for him to let his guard slip."Inspired by a close examination of "Heartfelt Passages" and the fanfiction "in camera" by alwaysbuddy.





	1. August through December, 2015

**Author's Note:**

> Guys...I wrote a thing...  
> I wrote a thing and I kinda broke my own heart.  
> Hope I broke yours too!

For as long as Michael Dodds can remember, he’s been afraid of the dark. As a child, his brain conjured up images of the most horrifying monsters, with alien eyes and long tentacles, waiting just outside his scope of vision to snatch him up. Young Mike would do everything in his power to ward off the monsters: nightlights, double checking his room, and for the longest time not sleeping alone.

When Mike got older, he learned how to control his fear. It was still there, wound so deep into his psyche that it couldn’t be removed, but age brought with it more discreet ways of handling his fear. Or, rather, not handling it. At the age of forty, that means sleeping with his gun in his nightstand and leaving on the LED nightlight in his bathroom, with said bathroom door open. It helps.

But he doesn’t like going home. The thought of returning to his dark room and his empty bed makes his heart turn. Sure, Alice is in the next room, but she’s asleep before nine every night, without fail. If he didn’t notice her half of the rent left on the table every few weeks, he’d swear he was living alone. So he’s glad for the invitations that Junior Detective Carisi offers to take him for a drink.

And at first it’s with the whole squad, including his pregnant partner. The first few times he still feels out of his element. A spare tire. Something that’s nice to have in theory, but is really just being lugged around. He’s on the outside of all their inside jokes.

Mike feels left out enough that, the next time Carisi offers to catch a drink with him after work, his initial response is no.

“Why not, Serge?”

“Look, Carisi, I appreciate the offer but really I’m not much for being a burden. I know things are tense with me around all of you.”

“Nah, not with them. Just the two of us.”

Mike gives him a second look, wondering if this is true. Carisi’s face is an open book, and today it’s words read ‘welcome, please, grab a drink with me.’

“Really? Just us?”

“Yeah, well, y’know I know what it’s like to be the new guy. We’re like buffalo here. As a herd we’re scary and overwhelming, but being around one of us seems like an alright idea.”

Mike chuckles, and really he can’t say no to that. It’s why he says yes the first time.

And the second time.

And the third time.

Every time he’s asked, he says yes. The promise of flowing conversation and a warm body on the barstool next to him soothes Mike’s lonely soul.

Eight outings on fourteen days.  Only then do he and Carisi get around to talking about exes.

“I don’t have many. You know, between work and…well, work, I don’t get out too often.” Mike replies.

“Huh. Guess that makes sense.”

“What about you? You’re a cop and you’re studying for the Bar, that must eat up most of your time.”

“Sure, sure, but sometimes it works. Other times…” He shakes his head. “The only reason I bring it up is ‘cuz I had an ex call me today. I just felt like crap afterwards.”

“I know I’m not the expert, but that seems pretty reasonable. What happened?”

“Serge-“

“Mike. Please.”

“Hey, if I’m calling you Mike you’re calling me Sonny.”

Mike’s light buzz and the warmth radiating from Carisi’s leg where it’s touching his own makes the idea appealing.

“Fine. Continue, _Sonny._ ”

“Well, _Mike”_ he takes special pleasure in the word “it was the weirdest thing. One minute we’re gossiping about one of his friends, because really they aren’t mine, and the next it’s just on and on and on about ‘why did things end the way they did?”

“What’d you say?”

“That’s the thing though, it’s been, like, three years since we broke up. I can’t really remember _why_ but I know it happened for a reason. And then the freaking waterworks start.” He sighs and takes another sip from his drink. “Am I a bad person?”

“Please Ca- Sonny. One upset ex does not a bad person make.”

He sighs again and empties the bottle. “I guess I know that. Still, it’s good to hear. He’s just so dramatic, y’know? Actually, now that I think on it, pretty sure that had something to do with it.”

“He?” Mike stops short of sipping his own drink. Carisi’s face pinches.

“He who?”

“He…your ex?”

“Yeah, what about him?”

“Sorry, I just…well, Liv mentioned you had an ex at LAPD, specifically said ‘she’.”

“Yeah. I’m bi. Sorry, I just figure everyone knows. Well, at work, not at home because my parents are good Catholics, that just might break their hearts.”

“Huh. So…”

“I like both. Men and women.”

Mike’s heart tenses, and he can feel the blood rush to his ears. He drains his own beer, then looks at the wall of bottles while he answers.

“I don’t.”

Carisi’s quiet for a long moment, and a cold shame trickles down Mike’s spine, while the skin pressed against Sonny’s is extra hot.

“That’s not how people say they’re straight.”

Dodds nods, and keeps his gaze right on, waiting for the inevitable rejection. Only it doesn’t come. A hand comes to rest on Mike’s thigh, chasing away his chill.

“What’re you trying to tell me, Serge?”

Dodds musters up all of his charm and channels it into a half smirk when he looks over at Carisi. “I told you, it’s Mike.”

“Well, Mike…how about we get outta here?”

Mike can hear his pulse when he nods, and fumbles with his wallet to pay for the tab, while Carisi pays for the cab back to his place. They could’ve walked, but the ride keeps Mike together, since his knees feel weak. It takes a lot of effort to keep them from knocking during the elevator ride up, and the short walk to Carisi’s door.

Mike lingers at the door when it’s shut behind him, watching as Sonny waltzes in and sets his things down on the coffee table, next to his stacks of review books.

“Just set your stuff down wherever, I don’t mind.” Sonny tosses casually. For a second, Mike wonders if he’s totally misread the situation.

“You can come inside, Mike.” Carisi joins him near the door, and presses in close, his smile bright, but his eyes are colored with something more. “What, you getting cold feet?”

“No.” He tries to replicate the smile from the bar, but he can feel it tinged with nerves. Sonny’s index finger dances over the corner of his mouth before their lips meet. Sonny’s soft and warm against his mouth, the perfect combination to set his nerves on edge and make him crave for more kisses. The nibble against Mike’s bottom lip makes him shudder when Sonny pulls away, but he doesn’t try to close the gap between them.

“How was that?” Sonny asks, moving his arms up to rest around his shoulders. Mike swallows, tamping down his desire so he can find his words.

“Nice. Warm.”

“You okay?” Sonny asks, and grazes his fingertips against his temple, rubbing through his hair.

“Yeah,” Mike clears his throat “sorry, I just…you know, it’s been a while. A long while. I’m not sure what to do next.”

“Hey, c’mon, don’t be nervous. It’s like riding a bike, you never forget.”

“So what, now you’re a bike?”

Both of them laugh at his bad joke, but Mike is silenced when he feels those same lips press against his neck, sending a zing of pleasure straight to his groin.

“What do you want?” Sonny asks against his skin.

“Uh… what do I want?”

“Yeah” Sonny pulls back, and his baby blue eyes are wide and honest, sending another batch of warmth through him. “I’m up for pretty much anything. But is there anything you want? Or maybe something you really don’t want?”

“No…no, I don’t think so. I’m okay with anything, too.”

“We’re not gonna do anything that doesn’t feel right. Just talk to me of you need to, okay?” Sonny presses another kiss to Mike’s jaw, and Mike lets his head fall back.

“Sure.”

He lets himself be led to the bedroom, lets himself be undressed as the kissing continues. Dodds melts when Carisi climbs on top of him, pressing his bare back into the comforter. His body responds to the thoughts that pop into his head in a multitude of ways.

Goosebumps spread over his skin. His legs fall apart. His erection stiffens under the other man’s weight. A moan slips from his mouth into Sonny’s.

Sonny’s lips press their way down over the man’s chest, hard and solid from all his training. The shudders that Mike can’t contain turn into moans when he feels an unlubed thumb pressing against his entrance. It doesn’t break through, just tests the waters, looking for a reaction.

Sonny’s first and second finger are thoroughly lubed when they press into him, stretching him open.

 _God, he’s going to be so tight_ he thinks, while his prick twitches between his legs. Mike’s not aware of the way he keeps spreading his legs further and further apart, asking to be entered. It’s been so long since he’s felt the warmth of another human body pressed against his own, and even longer since he’s let himself be entered. His hips ache with want under Sonny’s touch, while his chest hums under Sonny’s lips. His back arches under the kisses that leave him splotched purple and red.

The feel of being entered almost overwhelms Mike, and he has to hold his breath to keep from coming right on the spot. Sonny slides into him, and rests there for a moment, for the same reason. Mike comes alive under Sonny’s touch, his body reacting to every kiss, every thrust, every motion like it’s brand new. The hum of pleasure turns into all out singing when Sonny’s length finds his lover’s prostate.

Nothing compares. Nothing Mike has ever experienced comes close to the sensation he feels now. Under the control of another man who’s given Mike nothing but reason to trust him, a new, lingering warmth blooms in his chest, underneath the bruises. Tender, fragile, but holding steady even after their bodies reach their climaxes, while gazing into each other’s eyes. Mike’s sure he’s never done such a thing with his handful of old lovers.

The warmth in his heart closes around his body, enwrapping him more completely than the body of the skinnier man on top of him. It holds when that body slips off of his own and disappears into the bathroom, after a peck on the lips. It doesn’t even disappear when Mike hears Sonny relieve himself in the next room. Instead, he pushes himself under the covers so he’s concealed from the waist down when Sonny returns.

“You doing okay?” Sonny asks when he catches Mike staring at his face, his own in a neutral position.

“Huh?”

“Kinda lost you there a minute. What, thinking of the fastest way out of here?”

“No…no, not at all.”

“Relax, it’s a joke.” Sonny gets under the covers on the other side of the bed. “Someone who really wants out wouldn’t have made themselves at home in my sheets.”

Mike’s cheeks color. “I hope that’s okay.”

Sonny chuckles before planting a kiss on the warm skin. “It’s fine, really. You can stick around.”

“I don’t know the protocol for this kind of thing. I’m not one much for just hooking up.”

“Me either. Hell, last time I just hooked up with someone was college.” Sonny lays back next to Mike, and turns to look at him.

His kiss swollen lips are turned up at the corners. His blue eyes are bright with life. Underneath them, his cheeks are flushed the color of his mouth. The shorter hairs on his head are loosened from their usual rigidness.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Carisi asks, rolling onto his side.

“Is it okay if I stay the night?”

His smile widens, emphasizing the dimples Mike’s never had the chance to notice before. “Sure, go right ahead. You wanna cuddle?”

“Yeah, I would actually.”

“Cool” Sonny answers past his yawn. “You wanna be big or little spoon?”

The warmth in Mike’s chest flutters, sending another wave of affection through him.

“Little.” _Nobody’s ever asked me that before._

“Works for me, roll over.”

They’re plunged into darkness a moment later, and Mike has a moment of panic before a lanky arm wraps around his waist, pulling his hips closer to another body. Sonny places kisses over his shoulder and the crook of his neck. The warmth in Mike’s chest recovers, returning to it’s calm. He presses back against Sonny and lets his eyes close, forgetting all about his gun and his desire to light up the night.

****

The feeling sneaks up on Mike, even though it doesn’t leave. He’s sure that their relationship can be casual: two colleagues giving each other the affection that people naturally require while keeping their emotions out of the mix.

He notices it, though. He notices it in the way his chest twinges when Carisi goes to answer a call. He feels the way he longs for another body when he goes to bed on nights alone, him in his own room and Alice in the next. He even picks up on the way he spends fewer and fewer nights alone.

It begins as drinks, a few days a week. Two days. Then three. Four.

And then it’s every night after work, when the alcohol sooths them both and makes the heat of Carisi’s sheets that much more inviting. Allowing them to figure out all the different ways they can pleasure one another with their mildly lowered inhibitions.

And then it’s not drinks. It’s dinner. It’s takeout eaten on Carisi’s couch while wearing comfy clothes, which get worn to bed too. Long arms close around the Sergeant’s waist and warm breath washes over the back of his neck.

Mike is a bright guy. He graduated top of his class from the academy. He placed fourth on the Sergeants exam. He takes pride in his intellect, but his emotions have never been his strong suit. They’re doused in alcohol and buried under paperwork, not to be seen or heard from until it’s convenient, and it’s never convenient.

It happens on a lazy night. It’s after eleven, but they’ve only been back a half hour, a case keeping them there late. The TV is playing a movie and Sonny’s talking over it, telling Dodds about the time his dad lost their snow blower in the middle of the first blizzard of the season, but Mike’s not listening. He spaced out some time after “he checked everywhere”. His brain is too busy thinking five different things at once.

_Are his eyes always that blue?_

_How many of my suits are folded up in his top dresser drawer?_

_I can’t believe he can eat and talk at the same time without looking like a pig._

_Are my brown shoes here or at my place?_

_Wow, he looks really nice in red. He should wear red more often. I’ll get him something red for Christmas. God, is that only a month away? Well, a month and a week. Where did September go?_

“Mike?”

The dark haired man blinks and tightens his grip on his forgotten chopsticks. “Sorry, what?”

“After all that, he remembered he loaned it to our neighbor because his shed was sturdier than ours.”

“Oh” he chuckles “wow, all that worry for nothing.”

“Yeah, you okay? Kinda zoned out on me there.”

“I am, I’m fine, just…”

Sonny’s waiting, half of his mouth turned up in a second-natured smile, leaving one of his eyes more open than the other. His gelled back hair leaves his face completely in view, and his chin is speckled with stubble. The warmth in Mike’s chest flexes it’s muscles, hitting him like an unexpected wave. Before he can think better, Mike sets his container and utensils down on the coffee table and closes the distance between them on the couch.

Sonny’s mouth moves with his, opening after a few tentative licks to his lips. These are not the kisses they share in the heat of the moment, with nibbling and sucking, the kind of kisses that leave both of their lips red. And it’s not the lazy kind that get exchanged early in the morning before one of them has to leave. This one is sweet, gentle, careful.

Both sides of Sonny’s mouth pull up, reducing how much of the blue in his eyes Mike can see. “What was that for?”

“I love you.” He blurts out, trying to hold his face neutral. But his eyes betray him, and so do the worry lines around his mouth. His pulse rises the longer the seconds stretch on, his gaze fixed on Sonny.

One of his hands reaches up to rest over the one Mike has on his neck still from the kiss.

“You love me?” His voice is low. Mike nods, not trusting his voice to speak. Sonny rests their foreheads together.

“I love you too.”

****

“Mike?” Sonny asks, playing with his lover’s fingers.

“Yeah?” He replies, nuzzling closer. The room is pitch black, but Mike can feel Sonny in every place their bare skin is pressed together.

“Did you always want to be a cop?”

“Noooo, not at all.” Mike answers emphatically, shaking his head. “No, no I didn’t want to be a cop for a long time.”

“Seriously? So what’d you want to be when you were a kid?”

“What did you?”

“Well I always wanted to be a cop. But as I got older I figured out I wanted to be a lawyer too. And I couldn’t really pick between the two, so, here we are. Now you.”

“Okay…well…I wanted to be a lot of things when I was a kid.”

“How about you tell me what the first thing was that you wanted to be.”

Mike smiles in the darkness and presses closer into Carisi’s back. “The first thing I ever wanted to be was a farmer.”

“You’re kidding.” Sonny chuckles. “You’re telling me that little Mike Dodds wanted to be a farmer?”

“He sure did. I liked animals, I loved playing in the dirt, and I figured being a farmer would let me be in the sun all day. It was my dream until I was probably eight.”

“Damn. What’d your old man think of that?”

“He never said. I’m sure he was happier when I switched to the ‘I want to be a cop like my dad’ ideology instead.”

Carisi grazes a finger over the lines of Mike’s well defined forearm, still resting around his waist. “What about now? Still wanna be a farmer?”

“Not now that I know what it’s like. You hear horror stories about how poorly farmers are treated, and it’s heartbreaking to hear about them being foreclosed on. Which seems to be all you ever hear about. ”

“Oh come on, you’re telling me it’s not possible that life could be a little like what younger you imagined it to be?”

“I highly doubt it. Young me imagined farming as all fun and games. Just taking care of horses, milking cows, planting seeds one at a time, and…”

Sonny waits before squeezing his hand. “And?”

“And a nice guy to help me out with it all. One that, at the end of the day, would go to sleep with me and hold me so I wouldn’t be afraid.”

“Wow. So you knew, like, real early.”

“Sure did.” His voice flattens.

“Did you ever tell anyone?”

“No, no, no, not at all. My parents would’ve been so disappointed.”

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely. I remember, really vividly, when I was maybe six I said something about marrying a nice boy and my mom corrected me. She said ‘no sweetie, you’re confused, you get to marry a girl when you grow up.’ And that alone confused the hell out of me.”

“Still, that was so long ago. You don’t think they’d understand now?”

He’s quiet for a longer stretch this time. Mike nuzzles into his neck, just enjoying the feel of his cheek conforming to Sonny’s body.

“I don’t know. But I don’t trust them enough to try.”

“I’m sorry. I’m in the same boat as you there. My family…”

Mike sighs and presses a kiss to Carisi’s shoulder, just letting the weight of their reality settle against them. It’s quiet for long enough that each one thinks the other is asleep.

“We could just not tell them.” Carisi finally says.

“How?” Mike asks, and it’s a real question tinged with real pain.

“I mean, not for nothing, but that farm thing is a good idea.”

“What?”

“Just hear me out. Get a place upstate, right? They’ll never see us, they’ll never have to know.”

“What are you going to do on a farm?”

“I mean, we don’t both have to be farmers. Maybe I spend time working at the local police station. Or maybe you do. Or maybe I’m the town lawyer. Farm towns are small towns, right? That’s how it works? That’s how TV always made it look.”

The words breathe new life into young Michael’s ideas about farm life.

“You make it sound like a total dream.”

That’s what he dreams about that night. Finally, a face is put on the man that’s there with Mike on his imaginary farm.

Sonny’s there to offer Mike iced tea on a scorching summer day, and to sit with him in the shade of their farmhouse, just getting a moment’s relief from the beating rays.

Sonny’s there with Mike, riding horses around the farm while sun sets and a cool breeze floats through.

Sonny’s there when it’s time for them to go to bed, and every night he wraps his arm around Mike. Because, even though he won’t admit it to another living soul, Mike is more afraid of the dark as an adult than he was as a child.

Now Mike knows what’s really hiding out there, just waiting for him to let his guard slip.

****

 “Aw, look at this, you bought the fresh lasagna noodles.” Sonny admires the package he removes from the grocery bag.

“I chose right?” Mike asks.

“Sure did.” Sonny leans over the kitchen table and plants a kiss on his lips. When he’s pulling away, he spots something. He plucks a box out of another bag. “What’s this? Hair dye? I didn’t need this for the lasagna.”

“No? You didn’t ask for black hair dye to add into the lasagna?” Mike asks, and takes the box back. “Actually it’s dark brown.”

“What’re you friggin’ doing with hair dye anyway?”

“You think my hair is this color naturally?” Mike gestures to his hair absently while unbagging the rest of the groceries.

 “Kinda, yeah. Why do you dye your hair?”

“Because it’s grey underneath. I don’t want to look old.”

“Oh yeah?” Carisi scoffs and pushes up the sleeve of his Fordham sweatshirt. “What’s that make me?”

“More confident than me.”

“Hey, don’t say that.” Sonny sets the wooden spoon he uses to lightly stir some sauce aside and goes back over to him. “Why shouldn’t you be confident?”

“It was a joke.”

“I didn’t think it was funny.” Sonny touches his cheek. “Seriously, why don’t you feel confident? You’re absolutely freaking gorgeous, you have nothing to worry about.”

A reluctant smile. “You have to say that.”

“I don’t have to say a damn thing. But it’s true. Have you even seen you? I mean, hell, I can feel your abs through all four layers of our clothing.”

That earns him a laugh, and Mike rests his arms around his lover’s waist, pulling him closer. “How charming. But I can’t just work out more to make my grey hairs go away.”

“Who gives a fuck about grey hair? Everyone over, like, thirty has ‘em. Besides, anyone who says you look old is out of their head.”

Mike shrugs. “It’s just easier this way. Besides, it’s all part of a good first impression. My dad always says, you can’t take back a first impression.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Fathers say a lot of things. Doesn’t mean you should listen to all of it.”

Mike averts his gaze, instead letting his head rest on Sonny’s shoulder. A hand strokes through his hair.

“Is this because he dropped by today?”

His broad shoulders, the ones that Carisi almost matches with his own, lift in a shrug.

“Did he say something to you?”

“Asked me who I was spending all my time with lately. Why I wasn’t returning his calls.”

“So…Alice?”

The hand rubbing Mike’s back coaxes out a sigh. “I said we were trying to make things work. That she was living with me again.”

Sonny throws out a few answers, still stroking his lover’s hair, the softness tickling between his fingers. “I mean…it’s not a total lie.”

“She’s my friend and my roommate. Why should she have to be my beard too?”

“She understands.”

Mike pulls away and sits down on the table, where there aren’t groceries. “And you?”

“What ‘and you’? I understand. Things are still new, no use in getting him all wound up over this.”

“That’s the diplomatic answer.”

“Mike-“

The older man shakes his head and drops his gaze again, looking down at his hands. Sonny takes them into his own, squeezing them, making the feeling in Mike’s chest shudder.

“Tell you what: I’ll help you with the hair stuff if you finish up ironing the shirts while I make dinner. That sound fair to you?”

Mike nods, and stands up. Sonny pulls him in for a quick, sweet kiss. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

****

Mike takes a sip of his cocoa, and he’s relived when he finds it’s no longer scalding.

“See? Told you that milk cubes were a good idea.” Sonny gloats. Mike uses his thumb to wipe chocolate from the corner of his lovers lips before popping it into his own mouth.

“You were right, I’ll give you that.”

“But first I have to give you this.” Sonny picks out a flat box from under his half of their small tree and hands it over.

 “Okay, wait” Mike looks over at his half and scans the pile for a box almost the same size, and hands it over. Sonny laughs when he sees the box under the wrapping paper.

“Did we really go to the same tailor?”

Mike’s confusion passes, and he nods. “Looks like it.”

Sonny’s shirt is red. It makes the blue in his eyes pop when he holds it up against himself.

Mike’s is a deep jade, darker than any of the other shirts he wears to work by a country mile, and it brings out his light green eyes.

The rest of their gifts are the same level thoughtful, Mike getting Sonny a whole bunch of new books and Sonny giving Mike new copies of his old favorites, so now he’ll have to read them. There’s a few more clothing items, and a few CD’s even though they’re pretty sure neither of them owns a CD player.

“Wait, one more.” Sonny insists when Mike goes to get up.

“What? You still have more?”

“Just the one.” Sonny answers, and hands him another flat box.

“Aw, I’m sorry babe, I don’t have another to give you.”

“Please, don’t worry about it. It was bought on a whim. Just open it.”

Mike tears open the paper, then opens the plain box underneath, when he clears the tissue paper, his face pulls into a smile. Out of the box he pulls a red flannel shirt, very akin to something a farmer might wear. He can’t resist pulling the thing on over his clothes, and he can feel it’s a size or two bigger than he’d normally wear.

“So?” Sonny’s wearing a satisfied grin. Mike sits up on his knees and leans over for a kiss.

“I love it. So much. Now I’ll have something to wear when the bank comes to foreclose on us.”

Sonny laughs and smacks his shoulder, all firm muscle underneath both shirts. “Don’t be so negative. Besides, we’re smart enough to load up in the middle of the night and disappear, aren’t we?”

“I’m not sure the animals will be too cooperative, but you give it your best shot.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “You suck.” He says before leaning in for a kiss. Mike laughs against his lips, enjoying the warmth. Enjoying their time together, before Sonny has to leave for his family celebration in Staten Island and Mike has to meet his father for their obligatory Christmas dinner.

Before they have to hear people trying to set them up on blind dates, not knowing that’s the last thing either man needs.


	2. January through March, 2016

There’s some distance between Mike and the pain after he’s given a Vicodin to choke down. It tires him out, more than the day itself already has, and makes it impossible to sit up in the hospital bed.

But he smiles when Carisi comes in, even though he looks upset.

“You okay?” He asks, sitting on the chair next to the bed.

“I’ll be fine. Nothing a little PT won’t fix.” Mike looks up into his eyes. “Looks like you’re stuck cooking for a while, huh?”

He lets out a small chuckle and lightly brushes back the hair hanging over his forehead.

“Really? Your adventure in trying to make Shake ’n’ Bake didn’t answer that for us?”

“Hey, those directions…very confusing.”

The tangled words from Mike’s mouth are enough to make Sonny’s pull up into a smile. It’s still there when the door opens, and he pulls away to sit back in his seat.

“Look at this, half a year at SVU and he’s already taken a bullet.” Liv comments, standing next to Sonny and resting a hand on Dodd’s good shoulder. “How’re you holding up?”

“They gave me a Vicodin, I’m not feeling anything.”

“I’m sure. How long until they let you go?”

“I don’t” Mike tries to shrug, but the stab of pain reminds him not to. “Ow.”

"Don't worry Lieu, I'll stick around and make sure the Serge gets home."

"You sure, Carisi?" 

"Sure, no problem." He offers her a slight smile as reassurance. 

Mike's a bit out of it from the drugs kicking in, but still knows enough not to say anything until they're alone again. 

"I'm...I’m sorry...I thought detective Lindsay had my back."

"Don't." Sonny takes the hand attached to his good shoulder and squeezes. "You survived. Don't apologize for that."

He sighs and lies back against the raised part of the bed. "God, I just wanna go home."

"Don't worry, I'll get you home Mike, you can rest soon."

Sonny drives them back to the city in a squad car, being extra careful so he doesn't wake Mike with a pothole or an unnecessarily sharp turn. Not until they're at the depot, when he has to wake Mike and switch him into a cab. His hair is a mess, his eyes are adorned with dark purple bags and he looks ready to fall right back to sleep. 

"Seventh and twenty eighth" Sonny tells the cabby. Mike makes a noise that gets Sonny to look at him. "What?"

"I thought...home..."

"Yeah, home. Your home, right?"

"No, home home. Home, your home." He blinks tiredly, his face confused. "That's okay, isn't it?"

Sonny's glad for the low light, hiding the way he tears up. 

"Of course it is."

****

Mike’s jolted awake by the pain in his shoulder, not helped by his sitting straight up in bed. He’s dazed, adrenalin pumping through him, sweat clinging to his skin.

And he’s in the dark. Alone. He tries to call out, but his words are trapped by his cotton mouth. He chokes on words, where they collect in his throat and push out of his eyes in the form of tears. His jaw trembles, and he hides his face underneath his good hand. He weeps, low enough that he can’t be heard through the bathroom door.

When it opens, a strip of soft light brings Mike out of the pitch blackness. He lifts his head, revealing a tear stained face to his boyfriend’s dismay.

“Mike!” Sonny gasps and goes to his side on the bed. His good arm wraps around Sonny while the injured one throbs in pain. “Aw, Mike it’s okay, it’s okay. Shh, don’t cry, don’t cry.”

Mike cries anyway, his face pressed into his lover’s still damp skin.

“Hang on, let me get you a pill to calm that down.” Sonny disappears from underneath his touch. Mike’s hand closes around his wrist, his grip crushing.

“Ow, fuckin- Mike, let go, that hurts.”

“N-N-No” He stammers out, his voice rough. Sonny manages to flick on the lamp light, warding off the darkness and relieving Mike some. Now Sonny can really see how broken up he is, his face covered in sweat as well as tears.

“Mike, honey, it’s okay. I’m here.”

“Y-You…”

“I know, I know, I left.” He settles down with him again. “I’m sorry I left you alone. I’m sorry you got scared.”

Finally, Mike releases his grip on his boyfriend’s wrist and wipes his nose with his sleeve, and no wonder he’s so freaking hot. He went to bed wearing a shirt and a sweatshirt.

“Is it your shoulder? Does your shoulder hurt?”

Mike nods, though the pain radiates its way into his neck too.

“I’m sorry, baby. Just stay right here, okay? I’ll be right back, I’m going to get your medicine.”

He nods again, his tears calmed. In the light of the bedroom, Mike can see past what he dreamt up. His heartrate slows to normal, and so does his breathing. Sonny returns with a painkiller and a bottle of Gatorade, and Mike would chug it if the liquid didn’t sting on the way down. A gentle hand rests on his scalp, ruffling his sweaty hair, soothing his skin.

“Better?”

“Better.” Mike agrees, his voice coming through this time. He can clear his throat. “I…I just…you know, I had a nightmare.”

“Aw damn, that sucks.” Sonny kisses his temple. “It’s okay, it wasn’t real.”

Mike looks at him, and he feels an echo of the fear he had while asleep. He can see on Sonny’s forehead where Rudnick’s bullet entered his skull. He shivers, and an arm wraps around his shoulders.

“It’s okay, Mike. You’re safe. We’re safe. Is that pill working yet?”

“I guess.”

“Here.” Sonny gets him to drink a little more before laying him back in bed. A panic bubbles in his chest when Sonny gets out of bed.

“Where’re you going?”

Sonny turns back to Mike, in the middle of undoing his robe. “Getting ready. For work.”

“Oh…right…” His voice drops, and he pulls the blanket further up over his chest.

Sonny comes back to bed and climbs beneath the covers, pulling him close. Mike’s eyes close.

 _I can’t lose you_ Mike thinks before drifting off again under the pill’s sedative qualities.

****

Sonny’s nerves are frayed in the days leading up to his birthday, as he’s still recovering from the whirlwind that was the Bobby D’Amico case. But his birthday falls on a Sunday this year, and it means he can sleep in.

Which he does. He sleeps in past noon, and even then he’s only awoken by a warm slickness wrapped around his morning wood. He moans awake, one of his hands finding their way into his boyfriend’s hair. His hips move without his permission, and he moans when he feels the sensation of his orgasm building. It takes so little to push him over, so the image he gets of his lover pleasuring him is more than enough.

“Morning.” Sonny pants, his gaze half lidded when Mike kisses his neck.

“Happy birthday.” He murmurs against Sonny’s pulse, and sucks another kiss into the skin. Sonny chuckles, reaching around to ruffle his hair again.

“So far it is. Best one I’ve had in years.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Sonny pulls him over for a proper kiss, and he can still taste the sharp tang of himself on his lover’s tongue.

“Well you deserve it.”

“I deserve a neck full of your hickies too, too bad I’m crap with makeup.”

They share a laugh, and another kiss, and Mike’s arms close around him, tighter than they used to.

“I wish we didn’t have to get out of bed.” Mike says against his neck.

“Do we? Because that’d be a real great birthday gift. Just you and me in bed…all day…”

Sonny feels the way Mike shivers at the thought. “That’s tempting. But you have to go out today.”

“Do I?” it’s a challenge. Mike quirks a smile.

“I think you do. Your mom’s been texting you, asking when you can come over.”

Sonny groans. “Aw hell…mom’s not exactly someone you can blow off, is she?”

“I mean, she is the only reason you’re here.”

He sighs. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m gonna tell her two, think that leaves me enough time?”

“I think so.” Mike agrees, keeping his place cuddled up to Sonny even when he reaches for his phone. He stops mid text.

“What if you tagged along?” Sonny asks. Mike turns his head up.

“What?”

“I’m just saying, what if you came with me?”

“You know I’d love to meet your family. It’s just…do you really wanna blow things up on your birthday?”

“What? They wouldn’t have to know. I could just say you’re my friend.”

“Your parents might buy it, but your sisters?”

Sonny chews on his cheek. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s gonna be a nice day, I don’t want to blow it up.”

Mike pecks his cheek. “But it’s okay, because it’ll give me plenty of time to set up.”

“Set up?”

“You know, dinner. I figured we could have a nice evening together.”

“Any evening with us together is a nice evening.”

“Unless we’re fighting.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “That was a spat at most. Over laundry detergent. I don’t think that counts.”

“It felt like a fight.” Dodds mutters, and a hand ruffles his hair.

“Well I’m over it. That was weeks ago. I’m sticking by my statement that nights with you are better than nights without.”

“When was the last time we had one of those?”

“Not sure. We’ve had one this year, I’m pretty sure- no, I’m completely sure because I slept in your plaid shirt for the night.”

“I can see why, it’s very comfortable.”

“Isn’t it?” Sonny asks.

“It is. I wore it while I was recovering from the shooting, remember? One of the most comfortable things I own.”

“I figured it needed to be. Why be uncomfortable _and_ depressed about the farm being foreclosed on?”

Mike laughs and pushes him, just barely. “If you’re going to make it to your parents by two, you should probably go shower now.”

****

“Oh, happy birthday Sonny.” His mom hugs him one more time. “It was so nice seeing you.”

“Nice seeing you too mom. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Hopefully. And give some thought to calling that girl Ann Marie, will you?”

“I will Ma, love you.” He pecks her cheek before heading out into the cold. He waits until he’s on the ferry to text Mike.

-On way. Just got on the ferry. Please don’t burn down the apartment.-

-That’s mean. Still, see you soon. Love you.-

Sonny giggles at the words on his screen. –Love you too.-

He’s bubbly the whole way home, even when someone’s toddler starts screaming halfway there. Nothing can dampen his mood. When he walks through the apartment door, he’s greeted by candle light, soft music, and his boyfriend stood in front of him in dress slacks and the other shirt he was given for Christmas.

“Wow…” Sonny beams. “Look at this.”

“Happy birthday.” Mike’s arms close around Sonny, warming him up.

“I’m impressed. And it smells great in here- did you cook?”

“The good people at your favorite steakhouse cooked, but I’ll take credit for reheating it.”

Sonny chuckles. “You’re too much.”

But he’s not. He’s just enough. The evening is perfect, with low music playing as they eat and talk and laugh.

“What is this music anyway?” Sonny asks when he hears a song that sounds like a soft ballad but is actually a rap.

“It’s one of my Spotify playlists.” Mike answers.

“Seriously? Since when do you listen to hip hop?”

“When I work out. The slow songs sap my hype, but they’re nice to just listen to.”

Sonny nods along. “I guess so. Kinda makes me want to dance.”

“You want to dance?” Mike’s already getting up. Sonny laughs.

“You’re serious?”

“Why not? You’ve got music, enough space, and a willing dance partner right here.”

Sonny concedes, and takes Mike’s hand just as the song playing winds down, and another begins. Sonny lets Mike lead. The only thing he’s worrying about is the way their foreheads rest together and how warm their mingling breath is. Sonny’s eyes are closed, so he doesn’t see the way Mike is gazing at him.

He does when his eyes open, and he feels his face stretch into a smile.

“What?” Sonny asks, the arm around Mike’s waist tightening.

The blue of his eyes is entrancing, and his smile illuminates them further.

“I want to marry you.” Dodds murmurs. Sonny’s feet stop, and his eyes widen. Mike’s green eyes glimmer in the candle light.

“I’m not saying today or tomorrow or next week. But…someday in the next few years. When things are less crazy, we can settle down together.”

Mike searches his shocked face for an ounce of reaction, good or bad, which he doesn’t seem to be getting.

“I know it’s fast, I do. It’s just that…nobody’s ever made me feel as safe or as loved as you have. You’re special. I haven’t been able to imagine my future without you since we met and I don’t want to.”

Sonny gazes into his boyfriend’s eyes, their foreheads still resting together.

“I’d love that. I’d love if we got married down the line, I would. It’s just, how would we handle that?”

Mike shrugs. “I don’t want us to hide forever. And if people have a problem with us? Who cares? We don’t need them anyway.”

Sonny’s smile widens, and he pulls Dodds tighter.

“Worst comes to worst, we end up moving to the farm.”

“Why does it have to be the worst? Hell, we could live on a farm if we wanted to, it doesn’t have to be because we’re hiding.”

“I guess you’re right. It could just be because we’re happier there. If that’s what you want.”

“I’m okay as long as I’m with you.” He leans down and kisses Mike, enjoying the feel of their breath so close together.

 _Because we’re safer there._ Mike thinks.

****

“Carisi, your birthday was yesterday?” Liv announces to the whole bullpen. He looks up and smiles.

“Sure was.”

“Well damn, happy birthday.” Amanda says, Liv and Fin echoing the sentiment.

“Thanks guys.”

“Dodds, aren’t you going to wish Carisi a happy belated birthday?” Liv asks when he doesn’t look up from his computer. He blinks.

“Oh. Right. Happy birthday Carisi.”

“Thanks Serge.”

“Did you do anything fun for your birthday?” Amanda asks, and Carisi can’t help his widening smile.

“Yeah, I had a good day. Turning thirty six isn’t a huge deal, but it was still nice.”

“Get any good gifts? Like maybe some hair dye?” Amanda teases. Sonny rolls his eyes.

“Not everyone decides to keep their blonde through hair dye, Rollins.”

Fin, Liv, and Dodds laugh at that one.

“What’s so funny, Sergeant?” She shoots back, but he just shakes his head.

“Nothing.”

“Say what you want, it’s hard for women-“

“I know, I know.” Sonny cuts in. “Guys get a little grey and people say ‘oh, he looks distinguished’ but with women it’s ‘oh, she looks old.’”

“I gotta go with Carisi on this one though, keepin’ things natural makes it easier.” Fin speaks up.

“Oh, so you’re naturally almost bald?” Amanda asks. Before he can answer, the phone rings, and Fin answers it. “How convenient.”

“Got a case?” Dodds asks when Fin’s off the phone.

“Sure do. C’mon birthday boy, lets roll.”

_Really? Does he have to?_

“Am I gonna hear that all day?” Sonny asks, already pulling on his jacket.

“Nah, I’ll get bored of it soon.”

“Oh, I’m not putting all my eggs in that basket.” Sonny jokes, and shoots a smile at the rest of his squad before they slip out. A while goes by before Dodds drops into Liv’s office, giving her what she asked for earlier.

“Thanks. Hey Dodds? You got a minute?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“You wanna shut the door?” She asks, and he does.

“Do you have a problem with Carisi?”

He raises his eyebrows. “No, I don’t. Does it seem like I do?”

“A little. What with your not wishing him happy birthday.” She pauses to see if he’ll speak. “And you don’t like it when he goes on calls.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You get this face on. You’ve never noticed?”

He blinks a few times, and shakes his head. “I hadn’t. But I’m glad you said something. I’ll be more aware of my attitude with Carisi.”

“That’s why I mentioned it.”

He nods, then turns his head when he hears the door open.

“Am I interrupting?” Barba asks.

“Not at all.” Liv says. “Just talking. What’re you doing here?”

“Was in the neighborhood, thought I’d stop in to see what’s up.”

“Not much right now. But stick around so you can wish Carisi a happy birthday when he gets back.”

“Carisi’s birthday? What is he now, thirty?”

“Thirty six.” Mike answers. Barba glances over.

“It was rhetorical, Sergeant. I suppose I could hang around and let him chew my ear off about Fordham law for a few minutes before asking him to shut up.”

Liv chuckles.

“Some of his ideas are rather insightful. You might benefit from listening to him once in a while.”

“Are you giving me legal now too, Sergeant?”

“No, I’m simply pointing out that his law studies have made him a better cop, and often his ideas are worth hearing.”

“He makes sure I hear them. Every time. And when he has a good idea, I let him know. If they happened more often, I would tell him more often.”

Mike swallows back the nasty comment in his throat and lets him go on and on to Liv about something, waiting since he hasn’t been dismissed.

“Trying to prove a point?” Liv asks after Barba leaves.

“No, I wasn’t trying to. I was just reminding Barba that non-Harvard educated lawyers are worth listening to as well.”

“I know he’s rough, but he did help Carisi study for the Bar. Trust me, I think he knows.”

_Yes, but you’re saying this to the person who helped him study every night._

****

“And then she asks me if I have a problem with you.”

“Huh.” Sonny says, looking away from the muted TV. What’d you tell her?”

“I said I didn’t realize that I was being disrespectful to you, all because I blew off saying happy birthday to you- Don’t say it. Please.”

Sonny laughs. “I wasn’t gonna. She just didn’t know you’d already said happy birthday to me. And made it the best one I’ve had in years.”

He leans over and kisses Mike, then sighs contently when he pulls away.

“You still mean what you said yesterday?”

“Every word of it.”

“Even the ‘m’ word?”

“Especially that one.” Mike scoots closer and kisses his temple. The same one he’s had too many nightmares about having a hole blown into.

****

Sonny comes into the living room after cleaning up dinner. With the dishes done and nothing to study for anymore, he’s actually a little bored. Coupled with being home so early, he’s not sure what to do. So he flicks on the TV while Mike scrolls through on his computer, occasionally typing something.

When Sonny gets bored of the television he moves from the recliner to the sofa and looks over his boyfriend’s computer, and a smile pulls over his face.

“You’re actually looking at farms?”

Mike looks over and shrugs, smiling back. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“So you really could see yourself doing that? Just ditching the city and moving out to the country?”

“I really could.”

“Wow.”

“Wow what?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t know a farm fit in with your five year plan.”

“God, if I have to hear about that _stupid_ five year plan one more time- You know he brought it up the day he ambushed me at physical therapy?“

“When he mentioned Joint Terrorism. You told me.”

He sighs and rests his head back. “It’s not my five year plan, you know. It’s his five year plan for me. That’s all it is.”  

“What, don’t you want to be a Lieutenant?”

“Well the pay is better, the benefits are too, but that’s about it. I’m not rearing to get promoted.”

“Don’t you like being a cop?”

“I do, but there’s a limit. At a certain point you just get sick of it all. I did the military thing, I did the cop thing, I’ve had my fill of excitement. Maybe settling down is the right thing for us.”

“For us?” Sonny asks. Mike blinks a few times.

“Or…you know…for me. I know, I know, I do that a lot just assuming what you want to do with your life is going to match up with mine.”

“Hey, it’s alright. ‘Sides, I like hearing you talk about us like that.”

Mike presses a kiss to his cheek and leans his head on Sonny’s shoulder while he keeps scrolling. Only to be interrupted by his phone ringing. Sonny reaches over when he thinks it’s his own, then picks up Mike’s and hands it to him.

“It’s Alice.”

“Huh.” Mike answers. “Hey Alice, what’s up?”

“It’s your dad.”

“What about my dad?”

“He’s here, he’s waiting for you. I told him you just ran out to get something.”

Mike sighs and unwinds himself from Sonny’s body. “Fine, I’m on my way. Did you say what I was picking up?”

“If he asks just say they didn’t have it.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll be right there Alice.”

Carisi watches him go, not even bothering to sigh.

“Speaking of ambushes, guess who came to ‘visit’ me.”

Sonny chuckles. “Surprised?”

“More like annoyed. But it’s a good thing, I haven’t gotten my mail in a few days and I need some more clothes.”

“Hell, how many more clothes you got Mike?”

Mike laughs. “What? You’ve got clothes hanging up that I know you don’t wear.”

“Fine. I swear, when your looking at farms make sure the houses on ‘em have more closet space.”

“I’ll add that to the checklist.” Mike leans in for a kiss, and his lover kisses him back. He nips at the other man’s lip before pulling back, reminding him just what he’s coming back to. He gets himself together, but he stops once he has his coat on, just letting his gaze rest on Sonny where he’s laid on the sofa.

Sonny notices after a minute of him there, and pulls himself up.

“Mike?”

“Huh?” He blinks a few times.

“You’re wearing your bombshell face. Wanna tell me what that’s about?”

He chuckles. “My what now?”

“You know, that face you make when you’re thinking real deeply and carefully about some huge thing that you wanna say. What is it?”

He sighs a little and comes back to the sofa, pushing Carisi’s legs over for space. “I think…I think I’m going to take the joint terrorism job.”

“Yeah?” Sonny nods, unsurprised. “You think it’s the right move?”

“I do. I think I’m going to tell my dad tonight.”

“If that’s what you think is the right thing to do.” Sonny pushes himself up and puts a hand over Mike’s. “You’re sure? ‘Cuz I wouldn’t tell him if you’re not sure.”

Dodds looks at Carisi, and he feels a sharp pang of worry in his chest.

_You can’t wait around to protect him._

“I think I am. It’s going to be easier.”

“What is? Going for Lieutenant?”

“No, I mean, with us. I think it’ll be easier. Then we won’t have to worry about being found out.”

“And you won’t have to watch me go after criminals all day.”

His hand flexes around Sonny’s. “I worry.”

“And I don’t? You got shot. And it’s likely to happen again.”

“You’re saying I shouldn’t transfer?”

“Well of course I don’t want you to transfer. At SVU I can keep an eye on you, be there if something happens.”

“But it’s the right thing for me to do, isn’t it?”

“You’ve obviously thought about this a lot, Mike. You’re real bright. If you feel good about taking this job and you know it’s the right choice, I’m a hundred percent in your corner.”

Mike nods, and leans his head on his shoulders. “This is the right thing. For us. For me. Sooner I’m Lieutenant sooner I can retire.”

“Don’t let your dad in on that.”

“Why should I? That’s the sixth year of the five year plan.”

****

 The weeks Carisi spends in the cold are hell, but the few days between his return and Dodds’s are a nightmare. He can’t sleep, he doesn’t feel like cooking for just himself, and his apartment is so empty without him. Dodds returns, duffle bag over his shoulder, an exhausted look on his own face.

Mike’s embrace is solid, crushing almost, refusing to let go of Sonny. They fall into bed, all the while saying how they missed each other and how they love each other. It’s the same desperate need they’re all too familiar with.

They hold onto each other, and any desire to sleep is staved off.

“How’d training go?” Sonny asks gently, his hand resting on his lover’s stubbly chin. He shrugs, while one of his fingers trace circles in his back.

“Fine. Company was terrible though.”

“Aw damn, that’s too bad. What went down?”

He shrugs. “You know how military guys can…be. They were saying things about… you know… ‘faggots’ this and ‘homos’ that, and they weren’t attempting any discretion. So I butted in and mentioned they repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell for a reason.”

“Oh no.”

“They didn’t do anything to me personally. Just said not to worry, since ‘faggots know their place.’”

“Goddamn. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were having a hard enough time being undercover, I didn’t need to bring you down any further.”

“Mike, come on.”

“I know. But I told you now, didn’t I?”

“You did.” Sonny pecks his lips. Mike pecks him back. A few times. Before he reaches over and grabs his phone so they can take a whole bunch of selfies.

“I swear, if anyone ever looks through your phone you’re going to have a hell of a time explaining all those.” Sonny says once the phone is set aside. Mike shrugs.

“Could be worse. Besides, it kept me together while we were apart.”

“You’re a sap.” Sonny teases, and pecks his nose. “But I’m glad it gave you something to hold onto.”

“I wish you had something like that too.”

Sonny shrugs. “I kinda did.”

Mike waits for him to go on. Sonny runs a hand through Mike’s hair.

“I was wearing a wedding ring. Part of my cover, y’know, that I had a wife who stuck by me through it all.” His face twists. “Anyway, everything else sucked, but I kinda liked the ring. Something I thought I could get used to.”

“Yeah? Think you can work it into your wardrobe?” Mike asks.

“I think so. It’s a good look. Y’know, with my human clothes, not my UC rags. Or with flannels and jeans, that works too.”

“It’d have to be simple to work with those.”

“Nothing fancy needed, just a plain silver band. Now if _you_ wanted a fancy ring, that’s another story.”

“Don’t waste your money. Plain silver is okay. It goes with everything, but still gets the message across.”

“Get the message across.” Sonny mutters, amused. “What’s the message? ‘Dad, stop trying to be my wingman?’”

“Does it look like I need a wingman?” Mike asks, and they both get a laugh before sharing another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is pretty much finished, so I'm going to be updating daily.  
> Also don't worry, I remembered that Search still needs to be finished too, and I still love it plenty.


	3. April through December, 2016

Carisi leans against his kitchen counter, aimlessly scrolling through Twitter when Mike enters. He looks up to see the older man dressed in only a lilac shirt, a purple striped tie, and his boxer briefs.

“What’re you doing?” Sonny asks, setting his phone down.

“I’m being indecisive. Help me pick out a suit.”

“You’re bad at distractions, you know that?”

“I’m not trying to distract you, I just want your opinion. I’ve got three suits here. Just indulge me with your fashion expertise, won’t you?”

“Fine.” Sonny watches him pull on a black jacket. Sonny considers it a moment, then shakes his head.

“Didn’t you wear that black suit, like, two days ago?”

“No, that was a different black suit.”

“We gonna split hairs?”

“Fine. No to the black.” Mike slips the jacket off and hangs it over the back of one of the kitchen chairs, and pulls on the deep brown one. Sonny shakes his head.

“I dunno, I’m not into brown on you. Try the grey instead.”

So he does, and Sonny takes the brown jacket off his hands so he can really assess the look.

“Oh yeah, that works. Why’re you so worried how you look, today?”

He shrugs and takes the discarded article from his boyfriend, then pecks his cheek. “Don’t want everyone judging me for that too after Liv drops the news on them.”

“You mean you don’t want them thinking you’re crazy?”

“You could say that.”

“I’d recommend some pants then.” Sonny says, and pinches some of the exposed skin on the back of his thigh, just below where his underwear ends. Mike lets out a squeak and jerks away.

“Alright, alright, if you insist.” Mike walks away, heading towards the bedroom.

“Uh, hello?” Sonny says, and Mike turns to him.

“What?”

“Your other suit jacket? Just gonna leave it there?”

“I don’t need it. It can sit there for a little while.”

“Can it?”

“If it bothers you so much, you put it away.”

“Hell no, I’m not your mother. I may wash and fold your shirts, but this is where I draw the line.”

“Have fun with that.”

“What’s with you? You’re being childish today.”

“You’re not thinking about getting your test results, are you?” Mike offers before disappearing into the bedroom. Sonny rolls his eyes.

“Well fuck, now I am.”

****

The bathroom fan is the soundtrack to their morning ablutions, since Mike showers every morning. The sound absorbs other noises like the click of caps, the twisting open of jars, the spritzing of perfumes, and the clatter of things being set down on the bathroom counter.

Sonny runs his comb under the scalding hot water coming out of the faucet, cleaning off the excess gel, before patting it on a towel and dropping it in his drawer. The faucet doesn’t quite drown out the fan, but it can definitely be heard, more easily than the sound of Mike’s toothbrush moving around in his mouth.

Sonny glances over after a few minutes to see he’s stopped in the middle of the very short process to pick up his phone and answer some messages. That earns him an eye roll before Sonny goes about tying his tie. When he looks up at the mirror to check how it looks, he sees Mike as well as the back of Mike’s phone. Sonny laughs.

“Really?”

Mike looks over and tries to say ‘what’ with his mouth closed around his toothbrush.

“Don’t” Sonny imitates the noise “me, you’re taking more selfies.”

Mike takes the toothbrush out of his mouth and spits into the sink, then shuts it off.

“What’s wrong with taking selfies? Come on, look at these, we look like the ‘before and after’ for a Men’s Warehouse commercial.”

“Oh, right, I forgot their slogan, “Our suits are so well fitted that you’ll lose twenty percent of your muscle mass.”

“See? You just gave me a caption for that picture. You know, in case I ever get an Instagram account and decide to post them.”  

“Speaking of clothes, what’re you wearing today?”

“I think I’m going to wear the grey suit again. But I’m going to rebel on my last day and not wear a tie.”

“Oooh, look at you, rebel without a tie. But seriously? You’re not thinking about maybe wearing the black suit? Maybe the one that half of has been sat in the kitchen for over a week now?”

“Consider it my decorative touch.”

“And consider this my annoyed touch.” Sonny reaches over and yanks the towel off of Mike’s hips, hoping for some sort of reaction. Instead he flashes him a smile.

“What? It’s just you that’s seeing me like this.” He puts a hand on his hip. “Still like what you see?”

“Like always.” He says, and leans in for a kiss that lasts a few seconds longer than it should. Sonny sighs against his lips. “We’re gonna be late.”

“So?” Mike presses his lips to Sonny’s jaw. “Today’s my last day. I can be late.”

“You’re awful.” Sonny laughs. “C’mon, we’re going to celebrate tonight, remember? Nice quiet dinner, then afterwards we’ll…you know…”

“I sure do.” He pulls away and looks up at Sonny. “Things are going to be better for us. You believe me, right?”

“Of course I do. I’ve got no reason not to.”

****

“Hey guys, that was Lisa Munson. We need to do a clothes job.”

“She’s leaving him.” Amanda clarifies.

“And he made bail?” Dodds asks.

“Yes, so she just needs a little support getting her out of there.”

“You want me to go with you?” Carisi asks.

 _No. Please no._ Dodds thinks.

“I’ll do it.” Fin offers.

“You know what? I’ll go.” Dodds sets his cup down, and he can feel the shocked look on Carisi’s face without seeing it.

“You’re packing up, it’s your last day.” Liv protests.

“A guy like that sees a Sergeant and a Lieutenant, he’ll listen.”

 _Bullshit_ Carisi thinks, and Dodds can practically hear it.

“You’re right.” Liv agrees, and she looks pissed about it. Mike turns his soft green gaze on the rest of the squad before looking at Carisi, a smirk pulling at his lips.

“Let’s get this over with.” He reaches over and gives Carisi’s arm a squeeze when he pats it, quick enough that nobody else will notice.

 _God, you’re so full of it_ Sonny thinks, pushing a laugh out of his nose and watching Mike go.

****

“How is he? How’s Dodds?” Sonny asks, still mid run, when he finds Liv.

“He took a bullet.” She answers, voice thick.

“How bad?” Amanda asks.

“Bad.”

_Bad._

_This is so bad._

_This is so fucking bad._

“All right, let’s go.”

****

“I’m O negative, that works. Where do I go?” Sonny’s moving before his sentence is finished.

“It’s right down the hall.”

Sonny’s sprinting before William can thank him. Amanda stalls, and passes a doctor in bloody hospital scrubs before she catches up to him.

***

For a few groggy seconds, Mike doesn’t know where he is. He can’t remember why he’s in pain. He just remembers the same thoughts he had before he went under.

His mother. His father. Matt. His squad.

Sonny.

Sonny’s face, pulled into his _you’re so full of it_ smile, the last time he saw him.

And then he remembers why he’s there.

“Lisa Munson” he coughs to anyone listening. His father’s voice answers.

And Mike admits what he regrets, while keeping to himself the one thing he doesn’t.

_Better me than Sonny._

And his father placates him. Mike’s too tired to focus on all of his words, too tired to really keep his eyes open.

“Whatever you say, Pop pop.” His eyes slide shut before he can see the shock on his face.

He makes a halfhearted joke about his mother, and he pretends to laugh at it himself.

“I haven’t been able to get ahold of her yet, but I spoke to Alice and she is on her way.”

Mike sighs. He’d forgotten about that. About his great, elaborate lie to his father.

“Oh, yeah.” He feigns a smile.

“Well you got lucky with that girl, son.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” He brushes off.

_I’ll tell him later. Not too much later. While he still feels bad for me._

He smiles up at his father, hiding his thoughts away for when he can actually focus.

****

It’s dark where Sonny finally settles down. He rests his head in his hands, waiting for the floodgates to open.

And, when they don’t, he starts praying his rosary, without actually using the beads in his pocket. He goes through the whole thing, while singular tears slip off of his face and hit the linoleum tile.

_I’m not with him, but I’m with him. I’m helping him._

The small patch of gauze taped to his inner elbow won’t let him forget.

“Hey” Rollins voice catches him at his last Amen, making him sit up. His back is sore from how long he’s been bent over, and he hopes the darkness conceals his grief.

****

“Start knocking down doors, all three of you. And please…wear your vests.”

“We’re on it, Lieutenant.” Amanda’s voice is low. Sonny turns, and his heart jumps into his throat when he sees her.

_Alice._

She comes over to Sonny, and his heart knocks against his chest, wondering if she really doesn’t know who he is.

“Do you know where I can find Lieutenant Benson?” She asks Rollins instead. His gaze follows her until it can’t anymore, without being obvious. His footsteps drag, hoping he’ll hear some sort of update by lingering.

****

“Mike.” A voice says, making his head roll over. “Look who I found.”

“Mike, hi.”

“Hey.” _Who is…? Oh…yeah…Alice…_ “Hey.”

“Oh my god…” She mutters, taking his hand between her own in a way she’s only ever done in front of his father or when they went to parties together. She moves her one hand to touch his shoulder, but it flinches away when she finds the bullet scar, moving over a little so she doesn’t have to feel it.

“I’m okay…I’m gonna be-“

“No, I know.” Her voice is shrill, like she actually cares.

“Lieutenant.” He waits until she’s near the bed. “I told you I was englazed. This is m-“

_Wait, this is Alice, right? This is her? This isn’t my sister…no, wait…no, that’s right, I don’t have a sister. No, this is fake fiancée Alice._

“my fi-“

“Fiancée.” The Lieutenant finishes his sentence.

_Wait…no, she has a name too…something with an L…or is that for Lieutenant?_

“Yeah.” He smiles it off.

He makes another joke, but this time she doesn’t laugh, so he tries to get the ball rolling with one of his own. Her face is so…stern…so serious.

_Li…Li…wait, no, that’s for Alice. No, she has a different name. L…Lieu? Lieu? Is that her name?_

He gazes at her, watching her wake up his dad while Alice tries to stroke his hair with one hand and hold his in the other. 

_Wait, what is she again? L…L…she’s a police officer. She is._

“Thanks, officer.”

Alice looks over, giving them a hurrying smile and a nod before they leave. The moment the door closes, her demeanor becomes even more panicked.

“Mike, where is your phone?” She enunciates her word. His face pulls confused.

“Yes, I need your phone. I need to call him for you, so he’ll be here with you. I need your phone and your password, Mike.”

“I…I don’t know…” His phone was in his pants, which are nowhere to be seen. _He’s here, just go get him._

“Okay, Mike then tell me where he lives, huh? Or just tell me his name.”

“Name…” he has to think. _She doesn’t know his name? I didn’t tell her his name just once? Wait…no…I couldn’t…just in case she slipped. Right?_

“Mike, I need you to tell me what his name is now.”

“It’s…it’s Sonny.” He admits.

“Yes, Mike, I know it’s bright in here, but you need to tell me his name. Please, you need to tell me his name now so I can go get him for you.”

“S-Sonny…” he stammers, searching for a last name. There’s another name too. A different name, but with some of the same sounds.

“Mike, please stay with me here. What’s his name? You can tell me, I need to know. Tell me his name.”

“S-Sonny” He coughs and blinks harder when his vision blurs, hoping she’ll understand. “Sonny.”

“Mike, please, stay with me…tell me…” She persists.

His vision hazes, and Sonny’s face is in front of his. His hair is long, down to the collar of his plaid shirt that’s open at the top. His face, that face that Mike knows like the back of his hand, is creased in worry.

He speaks, his mouth moves, but the words are jumbled and slurred, like they’re being said underwater.

“What’s wrong?” Mike asks, moving closer, like he might hear better. He shakes his head and looks down at a paper in his hand, and Mike picks out the word ‘eviction’, since all the other words are squiggles and lines.

“Is the farm moving?” Mike asks, looking for confirmation. The pain on his husband’s face doesn’t budge, and he says something with the same pained expression, but again it’s unintelligible.

“I’ll get the truck.” Mike tries, hoping it’ll ease his worry. Mike reaches out for him, but he can’t feel his arms. He’s being moved, but not on his own. Someone’s moving him.

But Sonny is still there, and now his eyes are tearing up. Mike looks for his tongue, but it’s heavy. The words are superglued to his pallet. He puts his hand in Sonny’s and squeezes.

“ Aw S-Sonny…” Mike stammers out, his tongue thick and his unseeing eyes sliding completely shut. “Sonny... say g’bye Sonny…”

“Oh no, no goodbye’s Mike.” Dr. Rosenthal insists just as the elevator doors ping open. His words fall on deaf ears. In the haze of his mind, behind his eyelids, all Mike sees is his Sonny’s bright, shining face. All blue eyes and unkempt blond hair, and behind him a deep orange sunset. Even though it’s pained, Sonny’s face pulls up in a smile and a hand rests on his cheek, warming him up some.

No darkness to be seen. Just plenty of light.

****

The morning after comes late. Rather late. After ten, for Carisi. For a few seconds he wonders why he feels funny, why something feels wrong, and then he remembers.

_Mike’s not here._

The words are cushioned, insulated by shock. Words with little real meaning.

They’re confirmed when Sonny opens his eyes, and the other half of the bed is empty.

There’s no noise coming from the bathroom.

The closet door is closed.

There’s no coffee smell to wake him.

Just still, quiet air. Sonny stretches before he gets to his feet and walks out to the kitchen, since his stomach is grumbling. Nothing feels real. Sonny doesn’t actually feel the bread he pops in the toaster, or the knife he uses to butter it. He doesn’t feel the coffee cup in his hand, or the spoon he uses to stir in milk and sugar.

No, he doesn’t feel until he comes over to table and sets down his excuse for a breakfast, and his eyes fall on one of the chairs at the table.

The one where his suit jacket is still hanging.

Sonny reaches out to touch it, and that’s when it comes crashing down on him. The tears are there before he has a chance to hold them back.

_Mike’s not coming back to put this away._

_Mike’s not coming back for anything._

_Mike’s not coming back._

_Mike is dead._

****

“The Chief wants one of us to be a pallbearer. If any of you wanted to…” Liv trails off, looking at her three detectives.

“I’ll do it.” Sonny answers after a few seconds. His voice sounds far away to his own ears.

“You’re sure?”

He nods, a lump grabbing hold of his throat.

****

Alice can’t stop moving in her seat. Her nerves keep her on edge, and her face pinched in worry.

She’s waiting. She’s watching. Looking for the person that’s crying harder than everyone else.

 _Someone I work with._ She hears the words in his voice. It must be a cop. She’s sure of it.

But there’s so little crying. Nobody sobs when it’s time to raise glasses.

“A toast.” The blonde officer offers.

“To the bravest cop we ever worked with, Sergeant Michael Dodds.” The taller man next to her finishes. Both their faces are numb, fixed, giving nothing away.  

 _I hope he’s here. I hope he heard that._ Alice thinks, and sips from her drink. The ring on her left hand hurts, heavy with the weight of its lie.

****

Good Catholics know the Works of Mercy. There are two kinds.

Corporal acts, which are physical things people can actually do. Like bury the dead.

Then there are Spiritual acts, like praying for the living and the dead.

Sonny follows one with the other, because it’s all he can do. When he’s alone, all other thoughts collapse under the weight of his pain. His numb demeanor crack, letting his tears flow through.

Pray and cry.

Cry and pray.

He falls asleep clutching his rosary beads and Mike’s funeral card, because it’s the best picture he has of the other man.

He never took that many pictures.

He always thought there’d be time.

And so, Sonny gets up on Sunday morning and goes to church, because it’s all he can think to do. It’s one of the only places that Mike can’t haunt him.

_Please be okay, Mike. Please be in heaven. You deserve to be at peace._

Sonny makes his sign and lights the candle, then slips a dollar into the offering box before going inside. He’s looking for acceptance. He’s looking for a sign.

He’s looking for something. Anything.

“…seek and ye shall find…” Sonny sings along to the opening hymn.

Sonny knows his gospels well. He’s familiar with the parable of the prodigal son, and he’s looking for anything in the words that might help. There’s still hope when the priest takes to the pulpit for his sermon.

“Forgiveness.” The man begins. “That’s what today’s readings are about. Forgiveness. Such a wonderful thing, that we as Catholics believe, that forgiveness is available to all those who ask for it. A hallmark of Catholicism is Reconciliation, wherein we are forgiven for our wrongs in the eyes of God. Such comfort we can take, knowing that our lord is awaiting our confession at all times.”

“But, do not discount your own actions in this relationship. After all, God cannot forgive those who do not ask for forgiveness. The lord forgives those who ask, and should they show the courage to then they are forgiven. Those who do wrong- those who cheat, who steal, who lie, do not condemn them. Only the Lord can damn a soul, and only if they have not asked forgiveness.”

“That is why a serial killer who confesses and repents is forgiven in the eyes of the lord. Those who steal from the feeble, should they confess and repent, are forgiven. Those who commit sins of the flesh, and who live in those sins, who drag another person or even other persons into said sin, are capable of being forgiven should they seek it. Those who seek forgiveness are forgiven, and those who do not leave their souls in peril-“

Sonny gets up out of his seat and turns on his heel, walking out. 

_What kind of God would damn Mike, just because he loved another man?_

_What kind of God would let Mike be killed?_

_What kind of God would allow so much suffering for a person who did nothing but good?_

_What kind of God could let any of this happen?_

The answer comes all too completely to him as he leaves the church, the door slamming shut behind him.

_No God._

_****_

_How could you? How fucking could you? How could you, when you knew I was waiting for you? How could you be so stupid?_

_****_

_I miss you so much. You’re all I ever think about. I’m not the same without you._

_****_

_You’re the star of all my dreams. Is that really your soul sneaking into my head? Or are those just memories of you?_

_****_

_I’m so sorry I made fun of you for always taking pictures. I wish I had them, but I don’t have your phone and hell, I never took any. I thought we would have time. We were supposed to have time._

_****_

_Fuck, I’m not the same. I don’t talk to people anymore. I’m such a fucking pain at work. I don’t know what to do…I’m so alone…thanks for that by the way. I’d do anything to get you back and be my old self again._

_****_

_Why the hell did you go? Why didn’t you let me? Were you just trying to protect me? Was that it? Was this all my fault? Fuck, please don’t let that be true._

_****_

_I took an oath. I took an oath. Protect and serve. I failed. How am I supposed to forgive myelf for that? How can I go on?_

_****_

_Nobody knows how much we loved each other. Nobody knows. How could they? We were such good liars…were you lying to me too? Or were you just that perfect?_

_****_

_I’m not as strong as you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this all on my own. I just can’t._

****

“So, Sonny? Tell me why you’ve come to see me.”

Her voice is soft, gentle, with the promise of understanding. Sonny folds his hands and looks at them, considering it all before he speaks.

“Well…you see…a few…months ago, I fell in love with someone. I really did. We were so in love, like nothing I’d ever felt before.”

Sonny sighs and rubs his face. “And it was amazing. It was beautiful. But nobody knew. Nobody knew and we couldn’t let them know. And he passed away- well, not really. He died. He was shot in the line of duty. So I’ve been dealing with my grief alone and it’s been hell.”

“I see. And when did he pass away?” She asks, jotting down notes.

“April. Near the end of April.” Sonny answers, when the date sticks to his tongue.

“So, three months you waited until coming to see me.” She looks up, meeting his eye. “Why?”

“I…” he cracks his knuckles in thought. “I had an incident night before last, kinda made me realize I needed help with this whole grieving thing.”

“Okay. Tell me about that.”

Sonny sighs. “It was…it was the oddest thing. I was just sorting through my laundry, separating whites and whatever, and I don’t know how or when or why but one of his shirts ended up in my laundry. I’d gotten it for him as a Christmas present, because I’d said he looked nice in dark colors and he should wear dark colored shirts, and he said if I bought him one he’d wear it. And he did. Not to work but if he went out or- like, he wore it on my birthday…yeah…so it was special. Green, but dark green. Not like his eyes, those are light green.”

“So…you found this shirt. Tell me what happened next.”

“I…oh man, I hugged it. I started to cry. And then I…I uh…I buried my face in it, and it still smelled like him…”

“You missed him.”

“Awfully. I was just completely overwhelmed by how much I miss him. I felt so…so…alone. Completely alone… I ended up putting my gun in my mouth, but I backed out. I couldn’t do it. I finally figured out that I needed help.”

****

Sonny looks up when he hears something mumbled in his direction, and his fork stills.

“What?” He asks.

“Pass the salt, will ya?” Teresa asks again. “What, do I need a megaphone to get your attention?”

“No.” He picks up the salt and plants it in front of her. “Here, shut up.”

“That’s not nice.” Teresa clicks her tongue and sprinkles her food with salt.

“Keep it up, that’s how you end up with blood pressure like dad’s.”

“Hey!” His father says, blinking at him. “What’s the matter with you? You’ve been a mood all friggin’ night. And all the other nights too.”

Sonny runs his tongue over the inside of his cheek. “It’s just…work is stressful, y’know?”

“Yeah, sure.” Gina scoffs.

“Excuse me?” Sonny fixes his gaze on his younger sister. She shrugs.

“What? All I’m saying is you could do with getting laid.”

Sonny slams his fist down on the table, making all their dishes clatter. Everyone stares. “Don’t fuckin’ talk to me like that.”

“Don’t you talk to me like that.” Gina snaps back.

“It’s Sunday-“ Dominick senior starts, but Sonny blows past him.

“No, I’ll talk to you any fucking way I want. That’s not funny, Gina. It’s really fucking not. You know some people actually take sex seriously, they don’t go throwin’ it around like it’s for free.”

“Oh, boo fuckin’ hoo. What, you some born again virgin? You saving yourself for marriage?”

_I want to marry you._

Sonny halts, making everyone else shut up too. He wipes his mouth on his napkin and gets up.

“Okay, I’m going.”

“Wha?” His father asks. “We’re in the middle of dinner?”

“God, you’re such a drama queen.” Gina rolls her eyes. “I’m just joking-“

“Don’t joke about shit you don’t understand.” He grabs his coat and wallet. “Talk to me when you start acting like an adult.”

And then he’s gone. He can hear them calling after him, but the only voice he’s paying attention to is the one looping in his head.

_I want to marry you._

****

“What’s his name?”

Sonny turns his head to look at the woman he’s been pouring his heart out too for forty minutes. “What?”

“You saying ‘him’ and ‘he’ but I’m sure he had a name. Why don’t you say it?”

Sonny looks back at the ceiling, generic and white as ever. “Hurts, I guess.”

“You have to guess?”

“No. I don’t. I miss him, but saying his name… it’s too much.”

“Like looking through his computer is too much.”

He crosses his arms. “You’re back on that again?”

“I am. I think it could bring you some closure.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. You know his password. You know all his passwords.”

“It’s an invasion of privacy.”

“Dominick, please. It might ease some of that mistrust you’ve been feeling.”

“I can’t do that, okay?”

“Why not?”

“Because it was his computer, not mine.”

She’s silent. Sonny waits. And when that keeps up, he asks her. “What? Now I’m getting the silent treatment from my own therapist?”

“No. But do you know you just said was?”

Sonny’s mind scrambles, and his heart speeds up.

“Yeah, so? I know he’s dead.”

“I know you know. It’s just…well, it’s healthy to hear you say ‘was’ instead of ‘is’ like you have been most of today.”

He shrugs and holds himself tighter. “Nice to hear. Does it mean you’ll let the computer thing go?”

“Have I yet?”

****

“Did you go to Christmas Mass this morning, dear?”

“No Ma, I went on Christmas Eve so I could sleep in.”

Either answer is a lie. But this one has some truth to it. He had no reason to be up early this year. And nobody to wake him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that this chapter is posted I can say this: this whole story was born of me trying to figure out what Mike's stroke ramblings meant.   
> Watching the whole episode again after that made me want to write this story.   
> I have no regrets.


	4. January through April, 2017

“I’m not saying you have to pack his things up just yet. All I’m saying is you should get the boxes for them. So you’ll be ready for the day you feel up to it.”

“Just because a new year is starting doesn’t mean I can throw out last year.”

“Nobody’s asking you to throw him out. Nobody’s asking you to throw anything out.”

****

“Or maybe he actually did find God in the can and worked all that dark, ugly stuff out of his system.”

He keeps his sarcasm low. To Liv, it sounds genuine.

“It’s possible but prison usually changes you for the worse, not the better, unfortunately.”

He remembers Mike, his tired face and his tight, pleading grip around Sonny’s waist, just begging him to make it stop. He remembers him scrolling through real estate sites for hours on end, looking for an escape. At least a little bit of that was so he didn’t turn out like the Chief: the kind of person that their own son has to hide from. He thinks of Mike, in the prison of his own anxiety, exacerbated every single day he went to work.

“Like being a cop.” Sonny half mutters.

“Who are you, and what have you done with Carisi?” She asks. He meets her gaze.

_He’s in a grave I haven’t had the nerve to visit yet._

“You really feel that way?”

“Talk to me in twenty years.” He says, hoping that’s the end of it. But no, Liv needs to have the last word in, trying to reassure him.

“…it makes you more of who you already are.”

_Maybe._

****

“Drop your weapon, now.”

The voice is a stern command.

“Okay.” Adrenalin floods Carisi, making him stiff, turning his blood to concrete while the cold gunmetal bounces against his forehead.

_This can’t happen. Not now._

“Don’t do this.” He whispers. “I’m a cop, just like you. It doesn’t have to end like this.”

_Come on, Lieu. Come through that door, please, get here._

“It’s too late for that.” Sergeant Cole’s hand wavers, and so does his face. He sniffles.

Sonny’s breathing speeds up. He wants to close his eyes, but he can’t.

_I’m coming, Mike._

Two shots ring out. Sonny’s gone.

Except…he’s not. He blinks hard, clearing the red film from his eyes.

“You’re alright.” Liv closes the distance between them, her hand pressing his shoulder. “You’re alright.”

Her voice is far away. He nods.

With his blood still pumping, he doesn’t feel himself move. He keeps blinking, but all he sees are old images of Mike’s face. They come back, sharp as day, much brighter and more robust than they have in months.

His body moves on reflex, while he tries to absorb the old images.

But he’s alive. He’s alive and he doesn’t want that to change.

****

Sonny’s leg bounces as he stares down his phone. The screen is black now, but he knows he’s just a few taps away from making the call. The words are straining at his throat, begging to be spoken, and spoken to someone.

Someone who knew Mike.

Someone who will listen.

Someone who won’t judge him.

Someone who will keep it a secret.

 “Hello?” The voice answers on the second ring.

“Barba?”

“Carisi?”

“Yeah, I know, shock to hear from me. You busy?”

“No more than usual, why?”

“Are you still at work?”

He sighs. “I shouldn’t say this, but I was about to head home. Why? What did you need?”

“I need…I need to talk to someone.”

“I guess I have a few minutes-“

“I need someone here to talk to. Can you come over?”

“To your home? Right now?”

“If it’s too much trouble, I get it. I just…I don’t have anyone else I can talk to about this.”

“What makes me such a good candidate? Call a therapist.”

“My therapist’s office is closed. Besides, I need to tell a real person about this. Are you coming or not?”

“I…Fine. I’ll be over soon.”

Sonny’s apartment is neater than Barba expects. He’s imagining dirty dishes, papers, the floor being a hamper, not a completely clean place. It’s almost as unnerving as the look on Sonny’s face. It’s deeply pained.

“Hey.” Sonny offers lamely.

“Hey.” Barba says back.

“You want something to drink?”

“Water’s fine.”

Sonny doesn’t sit when he returns with the glass. He stands in the middle of his living room, arms crossed, looking everywhere.

“You had a close call today, huh?”

Sonny swallows and nods, gripping himself with his crossed arms.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Is that what this is about? Because I’m not good with comfort-“

Sonny puts a hand up. “I don’t need comfort. I just needed to talk to someone who can keep their mouth shut. Can you do that? Because if you can’t you can get the hell out.”

Barba sits back on the sofa.

“Good.” Sonny says, and pushes a hand through his unfixed hair. “I’ve had something on my chest for months, and today…you know, I can’t die with that on me. I need to tell someone. I need at least one other person to know.”

Barba’s mouth stays shut while he watches on. Sonny gazes up at the ceiling.

“I haven’t told anyone, and for the past few months...” He sniffs. “Lot of months, really. I uh…me…” His voice wobbles. He takes a minute. “We…”

The tears come on, and he tries in vain to blink them back. “I-I’m sorry, I just…I miss ‘em. So much.”

“Who?”

Sonny scrunches up his face before looking at Barba, then down at the ground.

 _I’m sorry, Mike._  

“Dodds…” He breathes the name. He tries to shake the tears off. “I miss him. So much.”

“Of course you do.” Barba tries. “And what happened to him could’ve happened to you just as easily.”

The words are a red hot knife in Carisi’s chest.

_It should’ve been me. He was gone. He was out the door._

He sniffs hard. “It’s…It’s more… we…we…”

He chokes on the words, and sobs for a minute before he gets his breath back.

“We were…for months. Almost the whole time he was here. God, I loved him…fuck, and he loved me too.”

When Sonny looks at Barba again, he’s staring back in shock. His eyes are wide, his face more earnest than usual.

Sonny nods shakily and finally sits down on the other end of the couch.

“I-It just…it was supposed to be casual, y’know?” He sniffs, finding his words. “But it never was. It was, like, every night. Or every other night, for a few weeks. Then he tells me he loves me and it was over. No going back. H-He…he was living here. God, we…we were talking about settling down together.”

He flops back against the couch and stares up at the ceiling. “His dad always talked about his ‘five year plan,’ but we would joke that I was the sixth year of that five year plan. He wanted to settle down…he wanted to leave all this behind, y’know? Just get away from it all…”

Another round of sobs choke him up, and he rests his head in his hands while he tries to bring himself back.

“I-It was gonna be easier, once he left SVU. W-We wouldn’t worry so much ‘cuz we didn’t have to see each other in danger all the time. We wouldn’t have to worry about people finding out about us. We…we…we were gonna be okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, no more worrying, y’know? God, we had to be careful. We never went out, we left at different times-“

“And the fiancée?”

Sonny shakes his head and coughs on a scoff. “She was a cover story. She knew. That ring she wore was her grandmother’s old one. But she didn’t know me. She never met me. Hell, she doesn’t know my name. We never mentioned names, we couldn’t.”

“But to her-“

“No, it was too risky, in case she slipped. We couldn’t let it get out while he was still there. We would’ve gotten in trouble, there’s no fucking shot he would’ve been prompted, and his dad- fucking hell, I can hear the lecturing already.”

“You protected him.”

“Yeah, and he protected me! And look at all the good it did him!”

Barba moves back at that outburst. Seeing Carisi break down in front of him so severely makes sense of everything. All the odd moods, the weird behavior, the uncharacteristic anger. All the pieces fall into place as Barba watches Sonny sob into his hands. And, when he can’t sob anymore, he gets up and walks into the kitchen. Rafael follows after a minute when he hears the water running.

“Sorry, I just can’t with mess.” Sonny answers, still red faced and tear stained as he rinses out a few glasses that get put in the dishwasher. “I just…yeah, I can’t.” He mumbles.

“Well, let me help.” Barba tries. “Here” he reaches over to pick up the jacket slung over the back of a kitchen chair.

“NO!” Sonny yells, and Barba yanks his hand away like the thing might burn him. It’s the loudest he’s ever heard the detective. He holds his hands close to his chest and looks at the other man, who breathes hard for a minute.

“Sorry.” Barba offers. Any other time the word would be a shock. Sonny sniffs and wipes his hands on a dish rag after shutting off the water.

“It’s fine. Just, y’know, don’t touch anything.”

“Boy, you’re really wound up aren’t you?”

Sonny scoffs. “You fucking think? Look, I’m sorry if this is such a damn chore for you but I just needed to talk.”

“It’s not a chore.”

Sonny turns his back on Barba, but the other man comes around so he’s stood in front of him.

“I know I’m being fucking insane…I can’t imagine what you think-“ Barba opens his mouth to reply but Carisi glares. “That wasn’t an invitation. I just think…you know…I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I needed someone to know. Someone that could know that we weren’t some fucking fever dream.”

“Wait, you want me to-“

“No, no I don’t need you to say you ‘saw’ it, because we worked really fucking hard on making sure nobody did. It’s just…I barely have any pictures with him. I never told anybody. “ He sighs and rubs his face. “Hell, I can’t believe he’s been dead longer than we were together. Shouldn’t I be done grieving by now?”

“It sounds like you two were in love. I don’t know that there’s a clock on that kind of grief.”

Sonny’s eyes slip shut, while his mind conjures up the image of Mike’s smiling face, but it’s faded once again.

“It’s good to hear that. Cuz, really, I’ve been going out of my mind doing this alone.”

With the dust settling, Carisi feels…lighter. Relieved. _It’s just Barba, he won’t tell._

“Thank you, for listening. I’m sorry if I broke up your night.”

“Don’t be sorry. You clearly needed to get this off your chest.” Barba tries, though it feels a little trite after everything he’s heard.

“Well, thanks. You can go if you want.”

Barba hesitates.

“You’ll let me know if you want to talk again? If you start feeling overwhelmed again?”

Sonny nods. “If it’s not a problem.”

“It’s not.” Again he waits. “Can…would you like a hug?” Barba asks.

Sonny’s face reveals his shock, but he nods anyway. And Barba’s slow when he moves in, carefully putting his arms around the detective, feeling the way he melts into the touch. It’s soft and lingering, and Barba’s not about to cut short what he’s sure is the first ounce of affection Carisi’s had since Mike was ripped out of his life.

A few minutes later, once he’s walking home, a small piece of Barba thinks just how lucky Dodds was to have that embrace be his home.

****

Sonny’s packing up his things when he hears a hubbub of familiar hellos. He turns, coat on, bag in hand, and makes his way over to his Lieutenant and his partner, who’re standing with another blonde woman. One he knows.

“Alice, right?” Sonny asks, wearing his charming smile.

“Yes…I’m sorry,” she blinks a few times “I don’t think we ever met.”

“This is Detective Carisi.” Liv says, resting a hand on his shoulder while Sonny takes one of hers for a shake .

“He’ll tell you to call him Sonny, but nobody here does.” Amanda tells her with a smirk.

Alice’s grip tightens, her face flashing in recognition. The air in her lungs disappears. Sonny stares back at her, his brows knitting together.

“Sonny?” She asks. The name of a long lost ally finally working its way through her mouth.

“Uh huh. Childhood nickname.” He answers, heart aching at the sound of his name in someone else’s voice.

“I…I…It’s nice to finally meet you.” She stammers out, releasing his hand while her gaze locks onto him, taking him in from head to toe. “Mike…he said a lot of good things about you.”

Sonny averts his gaze and nods. “Good to know. Listen, I have to go but it was good meeting you.”

“So soon?” She pleads. Sonny’s flashes her another, now brittle smile.

“Sorry, don’t mean to be rude. Take care, though.”

She stares after him, the word thrumming through her brain in Mike’s voice.

_“S-Sonny…Sonny…”_

****

The next evening, Sonny tags along with Amanda and Liv to the bar for a drink. He orders a beer, different than his old go-to. He’s glad for the companionship, and the distraction.

But he knows it can’t last. They wind around to the subject of Alice, who they went to dinner with the night before.

Sonny’s quiet, just taking it all in.

“It’s scary how fragile the brain is.” Amanda says. “A couple blood clots and you’re talking about something completely random. What’d she say Dodds was talking about?”

“Alice said he was talking about a farm. About the farm moving.”

Sonny’s beer stops halfway to his mouth, even though his mouth goes dry.

“A farm.” Rollins shakes her head. “God, how does that happen? How’s a guy who spent his whole life in the city get to farm?”

“Like you said, Rollins. The brain is a sensitive thing, it’s scary. Who knows where that comes from?”

_I do._

“What about you, Carisi? Where do you think that came from?”

He shrugs and finishes the last of his beer, the slight hum of his buzz worn off. “I gotta go.”

“So soon?” Amanda asks. Sonny nods and fumbles with his wallet, leaving a five. “You only had one drink.”

“Just needed one. I have to go. Bye.”

He’s out the door before he can be questioned over why he’s crying.

_The farm…was I there? Was I there with him?_

_No, I can’t do this. I can’t._

_Oh god…Mike, did you really think about the farm? Is that where you went? Is that where you are now?_

_I hope you’re on your farm now…I’m sorry I’m not with you._

Sonny cries the whole walk home. When he gets to his building, he pulls out his phone and has to yank off his gloves to use the screen.

“Carisi?”

“H-Hey Barba…um, can you come over? Like, now?”

“I’m home, but I can come over. Is everything okay?”

“No. Well, yeah, I’m not hurt. Well, I am- I don’t need to go to the hospital. Just get here soon.”

“I will, don’t worry. Should I stay on the phone with you?”

“No, I’ll be fine. Just hurry up.” Sonny hangs up and takes a few deep breaths, forcing himself to stop crying before it takes over completely.

The apartment is too quiet without him. Sonny’s never realized just how big his place was for one person until he had someone else to fill the rest of its emptiness.

Sonny hides. He goes into the bedroom and hides his face in Mike’s pillow, trying to breathe him in and soothe his aching heart. It placates his grief just enough to tide him over until Barba’s arrival.

The man is in jeans and a collarless shirt, and his heart squeezes in his chest a little when he sees Sonny’s red face.

“What happened?” Barba asks, stepping inside. Sonny shrugs.

“You said to call if I got overwhelmed. I did.”

“I’m…sorry?” Barba tries, sitting down on the couch. Sonny’s stomach rumbles.

“You mind if we talk in the kitchen? I’m starved.”

“Sure.” Barba concedes, and follows his lead. When Sonny pulls out a coffee cake and sits down at the table, Rafael’s sure to sit in the empty chair. Sonny eats, and so does Barba, for a while until the thing is done.

“So, did Liv tell you that Alice was around yesterday?”

“No, she didn’t.”

Sonny wipes his mouth on his sleeve. “Well she was. And she was talking about…y’know, the end. With him. Telling them how he was hallucinating…” the tears start without his permission, but he keeps his voice steady enough to talk to Barba. “He was thinking of me when he died. He was.”

“She said that?” Rafael asks, leaning on the table on his crossed arms. Carisi shakes his head.

“She said…she said he was talking about this little shared fantasy we had. Not like she knew. Not like any of them knew. And why should they? To them it’s just a random whatever that happens when your brain is dying…but I know…” He sniffs and wipes his nose.

Barba purses his lips, and waits for him to calm down. When Sonny does, he gets up and tosses out the empty container.

“I’m glad you called.” Barba offers. “Didn’t think you would anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Just after what happened with that case, I figured-“

“You’re still the only person that knows. I couldn’t tell anyone else.”

Barba nods, and waits a few beats before asking. “So why does everyone think you have a girlfriend?”

Sonny sighs and pushes a hand through his hair. “I’ve been seeing a therapist, okay? After…everything. And she needed to print something from her google documents, but her computer was dead so I let her use mine. Only thing is she has to log into her google account, which brings the search history with it. Rollins and Fin saw a pop up one day, and just fucking assumed.”

“Why did she need to print something during your appointment?”

Carisi presses his mouth shut, and averts his eyes, thinking long and hard before he leaves the room, and Barba to wonder if he screwed up somehow.

He returns with a piece of paper that’s a quarter full with single spaced text.

 

_I, Sonny Carisi, promise to not think seriously on or consider ending my life. While I miss him very badly and at times feel like my life is empty without him, I know it is not. I have friends who would miss me, family who love me, and a job that I can only do if I’m alive. I know he wouldn’t want me to be so distraught that I thought about ending my life. He would want me to live because he loved me very much. I will think about him in a healthy way and I won’t agonize over him because I know there is nothing I can do to bring him back._

 

Underneath the brief paragraph is Carisi’s signature, as well as another one that belongs to the therapist. Barba reads it twice before setting it down.

“I…I had no idea…”

“Really? Me acting like an ass didn’t give away that something was seriously wrong?” He asks, leaning on the back of the chair next to the jacket.

Rafael’s gaze rests on the thing for a moment before he looks at Sonny again.

“That’s his, isn’t it?”

His lip quivers, and he drops his head for a moment. One of his hands moves to rest on the shoulder of the suit jacket, like he might feel it’s owner underneath instead of the square chair back.

“I…I was nervous. I knew I was getting my Bar results and he knew it too…h-he was trying to distract me, y’know? So he brought out three different suit jackets to try on over his shirt and tie.”

A laugh pushes it’s way out of his throat, and he tightens his grip on the garment. When Carisi meet’s Barba’s eye again, there are tears dripping down his face.

“He looked so stupid, y’know? Just walking around half dressed. Kept asking me for my ‘fashion experteise’.” He laughs again, but it turns into a sob. “A-And he just left it there…f-for over a week…”

Carisi squeezes the garment before leaving, going back to the living room, where Barba follows him to after a few minutes of light sobbing. Carisi has his arms wrapped around a pillow. Gently, Rafael pries the pillow out of his grasp and replaces it with himself.

“I-I’m sorry I’m all over the place.” Sonny offers. “I just…I can’t. it’s all so much. I-I can’t move his things.” He sniffles a few times. “I mean, I stopped putting gel in my hair cuz the new tub of it I had was underneath a bottle of his aftershave. It’s like…those are the only things I have left of him here. The things he did.”

“You want to remember him. It’s understandable.”

“So I don’t sound like a crazy person?”

“No, you don’t. Promise.”

Rafael pulls back to look into his eyes, and Sonny’s heart skips a beat. Something presses against his heart, against his chest, making it hard for him to breathe.

“Don’t do that.” Rafael says, and sits up out of his grasp.

“Do what?” Sonny asks gently.

“Look at me like that, like you’re thinking about kissing me.”

A hard smile pulls at his lips. “I’m that obvious?”

“Yes, you are. Now stop thinking about it. You know that, even If you do, you won’t be kissing me.”

He sighs and takes up his pillow again.

“Sorry, I know. I know. It’s just tough. You remind me of him, y’know?” His tone turns wistful. “With the dark hair and the green eyes and the prominent nose and the broad shoulders…but, Mike was almost my height. And he was just one big muscle.”

“Excuse me?”

Sonny chuckles and plays with the fringes on the pillow. “He was. He worked out four days a week. Those shirts of his never did him justice.”

A reluctant smile widens over his face. “It made him a freakin’ furnace though.”

Tears spring up. “One time…I had a cold for a few days, so I was freezing. So he held me, y’know? To warm me up? But when I woke up I was totally overheated. And I couldn’t get him to let go, so I had to wake him up first…God, I can’t believe I ever wanted that to stop.”

Sonny’s lip quivers when he meets Barba’s eye. “I’d do anything to have five more minutes…I…I never said g-g’bye…”

“I’m so sorry.” Rafael offers lamely, watching as his friend falls to pieces. When he can’t stand it anymore, he puts himself back in Carisi’s arms.

 _It’s all going to be okay_ half of Barba wants to tell him.

 _How can you tell him that? You know it’s not true._ The other half chides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor babies.   
> Look at this, I'm breaking my own heart.   
> Anyway, enjoy the angst, such as you can.


	5. April 10th, 2017

“Hey Mike.” Sonny manages, but already his voice is strangled. He clears his throat, and looks up at the sky. “Oh god, I thought…”

He sniffles, then rubs his nose and looks down at the headstone. _Michael Dodds, Devoted Friend, Loving Son._

“I-I thought I was strong enough, y’know, to do this now. I thought…I just…I dunno. Now that I’m here, I-I can’t…”

Sonny rubs his eyes. “I just miss you so much. Fuck, Mike…I swear, I’m so sorry. I-I’m sorry I never said goodbye. I…”

The tears can’t be halted. They break free and track their way down Carisi’s face before falling onto his shirt.

“God, I’m so sorry. If I’d known…if I’d known that was the last time I ever was gonna see you, I would’ve…I would’ve grabbed you and hugged you, I-I would’ve kissed…”

Sonny bends his head, his tears now falling onto the grass. Sonny wishes with all his heart that maybe those few drops of water will break through the grass and the dirt and the several inches of casket to meet him once again.

“I never would’ve let go…” He sobs, then swallows back the saliva pooling in his mouth before it can join his tears in the grass. “Oh god, I’m so sorry I let you go…I-I should’ve gone…I was supposed to…I was supposed to…”

Sonny quiets himself, knowing he can’t get any louder without attracting stares. He kneels down next to the headstone and rests his head against it, using his arm as a buffer. He whispers his words, so his cries stay quiet.

“I know you thought about me…I know you were thinking about the farm…were we happy there, Mike? Did we ride horses and milk cows and all that? Did we live on one of those farms you looked at every day, or was it special? Just for us?”

The mental image chokes up all of Sonny’s words. For a while, Sonny just imagines all the ideas he had of them living together on that farm. All the ones him and Mike talked about, and some that they didn’t.

Mike, with his hair silvered over and his steady wardrobe of suits traded for flannels and jeans.

Sonny, coming home from work and swapping his Sheriff’s uniform for the same.

Mike and Sonny, dancing together in circles in an empty barn house.

Mike and Sonny, and a dog or two sleeping at the foot of their bed.

Mike and Sonny, with a couple of kids running around, helping them out and causing trouble.

Mike and Sonny, sat together on a porch, enjoying their golden years together.

But when Sonny’s eyes open, he remembers all to keenly where he is. He remembers that he only had one anniversary with Mike, and it was only a six month anniversary.

_Today’s the one year anniversary of our six month anniversary…it wasn’t supposed to be this way…_

 The weight of reality is pressing down on him, and without Mike to help him shoulder it the pain is crushing. Sonny reaches out and digs a rock out of the grass, and presses a kiss to it before placing it on his tombstone. His heart throbs, and his hand doesn’t want to release the stone. So he holds it. He holds it until he no longer can, until his hand is aching with the force of it all.

When his nerves are finally stifled, he opens his eyes again. Sonny has to blink a few times before he can see anything, and even then it takes him a few seconds to notice something in his peripheral vision. Sonny pivots his head on his aching neck to take in Chief Dodds, stood back and over several plots. They make eye contact, and Sonny forces himself to release the stone before getting to his feet and dusting off his knees.

“Chief.” Sonny offers, then clears his throat. He nods to the man instead of speaking again, unwilling to trust his voice.

“Detective Carisi.”

“Sorry if I’m keeping you.”

“No, don’t worry son, you’re not. I just…you were so quiet, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

_How long have I been quiet?_

“Well, I won’t intrude anymore.”

“You don’t have to go. Stay, we’ll catch a drink after.”

Sonny nods, and for a few minutes they’re quiet. In his mind, Sonny says the Hail Mary on a loop out of habit until the Chief makes the sign of the cross again, and he does the same.

Sonny makes an excuse for going to the closest bar, though really he can’t stomach a cop bar at the moment. He can’t be in a place where he runs the risk of seeing Mike’s ghost.

The Chief is quiet, letting them both get through half of their beers before he speaks.

“I’m so glad we had him buried here. His mother, she wanted him cremated and his ashes spread over the Ganges.”

Sonny nods, mulling that over.

“You know, Mike used to talk about you sometimes. He was always very impressed with you.”

Sonny nods to that too and takes another small sip of his Blue Moon, since he can’t stomach Sam Adams anymore. Mike’s ghost hides under those caps the same way it lingers in his jacket.

“I mean, he worried about you. Sometimes he thought your focus was a little thrown because of your law studies, but he said it made you one of the best cops he ever worked with. If he didn’t know it, he would never think of you as the last ‘new guy’ before him.”

Another, longer sip is taken before Sonny looks at his commanding officer.

“That’s good to know.”

“I thought you might like to hear that.”

Sonny nods, but his heart leadens in his chest, threatening to drag him down.

“Something bothering you, son?”

Sonny shakes his head and presses his temple with his knuckles. “Nah, it’s nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Detective. You can talk to me.”

Carisi kicks himself for having no poker face, and clasps his hands around his bottle.

“Really, it’s nothing.”

“Look, I get it. He was part of your squad. Even though he wasn’t around long, he got close to you guys.”

_He got close to me._

“Uh huh…”

“But, like I said, if there’s something weighing you down, you can tell me.”

The words have crept up from his heart to his tongue. They wait there, heavy and bitter and yearning to be spoken. Just begging to be said, holding the promise of relief in their grip.

“I don’t want to taint the image you have of your son.”

“Nothing could do that. He was my son. He wasn’t perfect but there’s nothing that could change how I felt about him.”

Sonny’s bitten down thumb nail pushes against the label, peeling it off the bottle.

“Detective…if you’re going to tell me that my son hurt someone on the job, well, please feel free to keep that to yourself.”

“No.” Sonny breathes, shaking his head. “Mike would never. He was a good cop, never abused his power like that.”

“So what is it? What’s so bad that you can’t tell me?”

_I’m sorry, Mike._

Sonny takes one more pull from his liquid courage, loosening up the words.

“It’s nothing bad. He didn’t hurt anyone. It’s just that Mike…well…Mike and I…” He trails off, and looks to the Chief in the hopes that he’s understood. The senior man’s face is twisted in confusion, his eyebrows pulled together.

“You and Mike…”

Sonny sighs. “Mike and I…we were…” He gives the man an emphatic look. The Chief’s eyes widen, his face stretching.

“You…you and…”

“Yeah.” Sonny half whispers. “Yeah, we were.”

“Wh- For how long?”

“Just over six months.” He looks away now. His chest is light, but his brain is screaming at him for what he’s just said. “Nobody knew.”

“Nobody? Not even Liv?”

Carisi scoffs. “Especially not. She already had problems with Mike, everyone kinda did. If it was out that…well, that would’ve ruined everything. We just kept it quiet. It was never supposed to…you know. We were supposed to be casual. We’d go out for drinks, and drinks led us to my place…”

He stops to look at the Chief, who’s still wearing his shocked expression.

“We didn’t use each other. Maybe at first, but we got comfortable fast. Soon it was takeout or pizza or getting a quick bite before, you know, coming back to my place to sleep. It was just…”

He scoffs to himself and finishes scraping the label off his bottle.

“He told me he loved me over beer and Chinese while we were dressed in sweats and some dumb movie was playing on TV.”

He glances over at the stunned man, then lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear. But it’s the truth.”

“I…I don’t know what to say.”

Sonny lets the silence drag between them, the shame making itself apparent. He’s not sure he had any right to tell, now that the words are out.

“It just…you’re a great person, detective, don’t get me wrong. I guess I’m miffed, knowing that Mike cheated on Alice.”

Sonny shakes his head. “There was no Alice. Well, there was, but she was a friend and a roommate and a cover story. So you guys wouldn’t worry about him settling down.”

“Oh…” Now the chief sounds pained. “But…the engagement…”

“Things were going to get easier, once he transferred out. The engagement was going to go on for a few years before they ‘broke up’ and we figured out what to do.”

“Oh…oh god…”

“He did live with her. She lived at his place. But they had separate rooms. By the time…he was living with me. So, if there’s things of his you were looking for that you couldn’t find, I have them.”

“Wow…good…good to know.”

“Did you want to look through his things? See if there was anything you wanted?”

“Uh…yes. Yes, actually.”

****

The plastic maroon boxes that hold (some of) the remains of Mike’s life are taken from their place in the spare room, and brought out to the kitchen where the Chief is stood. Sonny brings both out at once, setting them down.

Sonny pops the lids for them and starts going through one, while Chief does another. He’s slow, meticulous, examining each item that passes through his hands. Sonny watches the way he looks at everything before looking into the box himself, checking to see if there’s anything the chief might find valuable.

“This one is mostly just suits…shirts…cologne…” he picks up the box, which Mike kept the bottle in all the time, but only for a second. “Uh, some ties…”

“Wait, is that-“ The chief reaches over and pulls a single tie out of the handful. Black, with gold circles. “This is the tie he wore when he graduated college...”

“Yup.” Sonny agrees. “His lucky tie.”

The Chief lets Sonny take it back and hold it between his hands.

“He wore this to his interview with joint terrorism-“

Sonny can’t help the sob that escapes his throat, jump starting his next crying jag. He brings his wrist to his face, trying to soak up his tears while keeping the tie unstained, if not a little wrinkled. William looks on, watching the young man before him come undone. It brings his own sobs up, choking his thoughts.

But Sonny’s good. He tames his cries and releases the tie, putting it back in the box before grabbing a tissue. He hands one to the older man too.

“Sorry. It’s just a lot sometimes.” He sniffles and wipes his nose. “The therapist I’ve been seeing, she…she uh…she said to get some boxes. To put his things in. I’ve been doing it, little by little.”

He looks at the older man. “I kinda forget what’s in here. I…I try not to do that too often.”

William shakes his head and looks into the box. “How? How do you decide what can be put away?”

He shrugs and touches one of the buttons on a folded up suit at the top of the box. “There’s no process. Just…if I feel like I can handle putting it away, I do. It’s one at a time. Once a week. Once every other week.”

William looks into the other box, the one that’s only mostly full. There’s toiletries, all in bags. Shoes. Mike’s laptop. And some more clothes.

“There’s more than this?”

“So much more.” Sonny agrees, and hugs himself. The smell in the boxes is enough to tease memories of Mike, but not fully bring them up. “He’s everywhere. And I can’t just destroy that. I can’t put away what we were. His things are the only proof I have that he was here.”

He sighs and touches one of the other ties, just feeling it.

“It’s all I have left of him. I don’t…We never had a proper picture together.”

“Not one?” the Chief asks, and Sonny shakes his head.

“Nope. Lot’s of selfies though, but they were all on his phone.” His eyes close, and he sighs before looking at the older man. “Anyway…I’ll let you sort through these in peace.”

“Wait.” William says when he’s halfway to the living room. Sonny turns, and watches William reach into his jacket and pull out a phone. Sonny’s heart stops, because a second later he recognizes the scratches on the back of the case. The older man looks at it in his hands, then at the younger man, who’s gaze is locked onto it.

“Here.” The Chief hands it over. “I could never figure out the password, and it threatened to erase on me…so…”

Sonny swallows and takes it, turning it over in his hands.

“T-Thank you.”

“Well…I guess he’d want you to have it… I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

Sonny shakes his head as he goes to plug the thing into the wall. “You weren’t supposed to. You were the last person that was supposed to know. He was so worried about disappointing you.”

“He could never disappoint me.”

“He didn’t feel that way. He felt like he was on a razor’s edge-“ Sonny cuts off when he sees the pain on his face. “Sorry. But, y’know, he did.”

“I never wanted him to feel that way.”

Sonny’s attention is diverted by the phone coming to life. He clicks the home button, then types in 0-4-9-7, before it opens. 

“How’d you do that?”

“He used his badge number.” Sonny answers, a smile tugging at his face, delaying him from looking just yet. “I told him to use something else. Something harder to figure out. He freaking used it for his PIN number too.”

“Did he use it for everything?”

Sonny shakes his head. “No, not everything. But he had like five passwords he always used. I have those too, if you need ‘em. They’re on his computer.”

“Wow…good to know…”

“Finding out a lot today, huh?”

“You could say that.” The chief nods, and looks back into the memory boxes. Sonny looks down at the phone, his heart slamming against his chest, before he opens his photos. There’s four albums: his camera roll, his videos, his selfies, and one titled with just three emojis.

A sun, a horse, and an Italian flag. His brain picks out that there’s a little over three thousand pictures in his camera roll, and a little over two thousand in the last album.

****

He has to wait until he’s alone to go through them all. He tears up, like he knew he would.

There are selfies, taken a dozen at a clip.

But there’s more. There are candid shots of himself doing everything: cooking, watching TV, sitting at the dinner table, finishing getting dressed. There are some random smiling shots, where it looks like he’s mid laugh.

And there are videos. These he didn’t expect.

The sheer amount of them is what shocks him. Sonny backs up one and opens his video folder, and sure enough they’re almost entirely of the two of them together.

The first one is one he knew would be there, but still one that makes him tear.

“Sonny" Mike says, looking at the camera. Sonny's head turns, and he leans in to get in the frame, wearing a bright smile. After a few seconds, he laughs. 

"You fuck, it's recording."

"What? No it's not."

"You're a shit liar." He laughs again. "Y'know what?"

"What?" Mike asks, turning his head from the camera to look at Sonny. Sonny plants a kiss on his lips before he can realize what's happening, then one on his cheek. 

"There, now you've got something worth saving."

Sonny disappears from frame but Mike is still smiling as he watches him, his cheeks flushed, before the video stops. 

Sonny swallows back his tears and backs up, looking for the next video. 

The angle is horrible, giving both of them double chins. Especially Sonny, who's in the middle of shoveling Chinese food into his mouth. When he realizes he's being recorded, Sonny cringes out of view. 

"Hell, Mike! I'm eating!"

"I know, it just looks cute."

"I look like a slob. God, you always do that."

"Please, you know you like it."

"Do I?"

Mike laughs, and it tears at Sonny's heart because he's missed that sound so damn much. He misses hearing that sound every single day. 

He sniffs hard and flips to another video, but the still brings up no immediate memories. So he presses play.

Mike’s holding the camera so it’s getting a bird’s eye view of the two of them. He looks up at it, then turns his head. He presses gentle kisses against Sonny’s sleeping face. Sonny feels his tears drip down, passing over where those kisses would’ve gone.

Video Sonny makes a tiny noise, and one of his eyes opens, just barely. When he sees Mike, his face pulls into a sleepy smile. He moves a little closer and presses lazy kisses against what he can reach of Mike’s face, including the tip of his nose. Mike sets the phone down and turns it off, and Sonny can’t help but sob. All those memories, lost to time, now brought back for him in full quality, on a phone he was sure was gone forever.

He only stops reminiscing long enough to answer the message on his phone asking –how did it go?-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me if there are more errors than usual in this chapter, I'm running on two hours of sleep.   
> Also, please keep posting comments because I love hearing how you guys feel about the incredibly underrated ship that is Mike/Sonny


	6. August 20th, 2017

The Dodds home looks the way it always did in Mike’s pictures. The living room is still an odd shade of green, while the kitchen is bright and open, with the glass sliding door letting in a lot of light. And of course it does. August is always sunny, especially during the day.

It’s a little after two when Sonny shows up in Queens, and he’s the last one to arrive. He knocks, and the Chief is there to greet him.

“Detective. It’s good to see you.” His voice is sincere, genuine, and he steps aside to let him in. Sonny walks through the house to the back patio, taking in the home he always figured he would see in Mike’s company. But no, he walks through the home sans-Mike to find Alice and Matt sat in the back yard, both of them drinking Corona’s, the sight of which makes his heart churn.

“Matt, Alice, this is-“ The Chief begins.

“Sonny.” Alice finishes, already getting out of her seat. She embraces him without hesitation, and he holds her back despite his surprise. The petite woman rocks him back and forth, and he can’t help the way his eyes close for a minute. She pulls away, finally, and rests her hands on his arms while she takes him in. “You look good.”

He chuckles. “Well, I try. So do you.”

“Thanks.” She pats his arm before taking her seat, and Sonny doesn’t hesitate to take the seat next to her.

“Good to meet you, Matt.”

“Nice to meet you too…I’m sorry, how did you know Mike?”

Carisi blinks and looks at the Chief when he hands him a cold bottle. “You didn’t tell him?”

“I didn’t feel right. It’s not like it’s my place to tell. But first, a toast.”

The small group raises their bottles.

“Happy birthday Mike.” His father says. “Wish you were here to celebrate it with us. We still miss you, and we always will. Cheers.”

“Cheers.” They clink the necks of their bottles together. All of them the same. All of them Mike’s favorite. Carisi mulls that over and sips his drink, and it brings back pieces of memories.

He’s unused to tasting it straight from the source. Always it was just hinted at, a taste on Mike’s lips or his tongue.

“So you knew Mike?” Matt asks after another moment.

“Well, I guess I should tell you, Matt. I was your brother’s boyfriend.”

With his shocked expression on, Matt looks like his father to a T. “Wait, what? When?”

“The last seven months. We were living together for six.”

“Wait, but-“ He looks at Alice, who holds up a hand.

“I know, it’s a lot. But him and me, we were always just friends. He was afraid of being out, so I told him I’d be his ‘girlfriend’.” She makes the air quotes.

“Why? Why would Mike do something like that?”

“He was scared.” Sonny answers, settling back in his chair.

“Scared? Nah, no way…I can’t imagine Mike scared.”

“Well he was. He was scared of plenty. Being out was one of those things...it’s hard for cops to be out. It’s even harder for someone who’s military, even if it’s ex-military. And…well…no offense, but being the gay son doesn’t really coincide with being the good son.”

Matt sighs, his face pained. “Mikey…no…”

“Don’t feel too bad.” Alice tries, resting her hand over Sonny’s. The old ring is gone from her finger. “It’s not like he was alone.”

“No, that he wasn’t.” Sonny reassures the other two men. “He was happy. He was stressed and anxious, but with me he was happy.”

“He so was.” Alice confirms. “I mean, he never mentioned your name because I couldn’t know it, obviously, but he would just go on and on.”

“Oh stop.” Sonny chuckles. Her voice is playful, but there’s an edge.

“I’m serious! The first time I ever found out about you- well, let me back up.” She says, talking to all three of them.

“I came back from a business trip and I got in around five. So I call him and he picks up and I’m like ‘Hey, I know you’re at work but I just wanted to know when you’ll be getting home, we should go catch dinner.’ And he waits a beat, and I think maybe he didn’t hear me. Then he says ‘Uh, Alice, I haven’t lived there for a month.’”

She laughs. “Well after a stunned second I go into his room and yep, sure thing, a whole chunk of his closet is gone. So naturally I ask ‘Who’ve you been living with?’ and that was the end of that.”

She glances over at Sonny before talking. “He starts telling me ‘I met him at work, he’s studying to be a lawyer, he’s smart, he’s gorgeous, he’s warm, he’s funny, he makes me feel safe, he loves me like nobody else ever has before’ just on and on and on. And then I ask ‘so what’s his name?’ And what does he say? ‘Sorry, I can’t tell you that.’” She drops her hand against the arm of her chair in frustration.

“And it was like that every time. I would call, ask him ‘so how’s he doing?’ and get a laundry list of an explanation. But a name? He guarded that like it was a state secret.”

“You get why though, right?” Sonny asks.

“Oh, no honey I do get it. I understand why it was important, I do. It just…” She takes a pull from her beer. “You know…not that I wish this on anybody, but I’m a little relieved to know that it was you that was the phantom boyfriend. I never felt so helpless like I did when I was sat at his bedside. I was trying to ask him ‘who do I need to call? Where does he live?’ Just anything to try and rope a name out of him. Of course he was telling me, and I didn’t understand when he was saying ‘Sonny’…you know, I thought he was hallucinating. And then he was actually hallucinating. But the name, he did know it.”

He takes her hand again and squeezes it. “You tried. You just didn’t know.”

“No, I didn’t, and it freaked the hell out of me. I show up and I just saw it in his face he was out of it. So I’m just nodding along with the Lieutenant and you” she gestures to William “when really all I want to do is scream ‘get out!’ because I know you don’t know. If you had, you wouldn’t have called me. And I just had this god awful image of some guy going out of his mind because ‘why the fuck didn’t Mike come home last night?’ or even worse, having to find out about it on the news. You…you were there. You knew. You weren’t left in the dark.”

“I kinda was. I mean, I knew the jist of it but I was still relegated to the waiting room.”

“But…why not say something?” Matt asks.

Sonny folds his hands. “Because…we didn’t know it was the end. If we had, maybe, but…it was still possible that the future might happen. It was a hard decision…”

He blinks a few times. “I chose wrong though. I know that now. Wish I had then.”

A hand rests on his back, soft and soothing.

“Don’t feel bad. You did all you could.” He says, looking over at Alice. She chews her lip.

“I don’t feel like I did. I was just…waiting, to see how it would come out. I was waiting to see the guy crying hardest at the wake or the funeral, or the one that came up to me to call me a lying bitch.”

“We both lied. Don’t worry about it.” Sonny tries.

“Still…”

“He was under so much pressure. He couldn’t have that be one more thing. And he hated lying to you.” He looks at the older Dodds. “He really did. There was no great joy taken in keeping this from you. He just didn’t want to be a disappointment.”

“It’s my fault, I made him feel like he could disappoint me. But he never could. I mean, he was a hero. He always did the right thing…it’s hard to think of Mike being afraid of anything, including me.”

“But he was. Like I said, he was afraid of plenty.”

“Like what?”

“Well, for starters, the dark.”

“The dark?” William asks.

“Of course. He knew what was waiting out there for him. Y’know, like Greg Yates.”

“Was that the bullet in the shoulder guy?” Alice asks.

“Sure was.”

She cringes and sips her beer. “Oh god, I remember I touched his shoulder on accident once-“ Another shudder.

“Yeah. But he bounced back pretty quick. He was all muscle, you remember that. He was always so damn strong. Hell, he almost broke my wrist once.”

“What?!” All three ask in shocked unison.

“Mike would never-“ Alice starts.

“No, no it wasn’t like that.” Sonny shakes his head. “Actually this was a little after the shooting. He got spooked by a nightmare. He grabbed me when I tried to pull away, I swear my freakin’ hand went numb.”

The older Dodds cringes internally, remembering that period of life. _Can you give me a minute with my handsome, single son?_

“What is it, Chief?” Sonny asks after a moment.

“I’m sorry, it’s just…it’s so much. Knowing that there was someone my son cared for so much, and felt like he couldn’t tell me.”

“Yeah…yeah, it’s a real shame.”

“Sonny?” Alice asks. “I mean, you knew Mike better than anyone. There’s something I kinda wanna ask.”

He shrugs. “Ask and I’ll see if I can answer.”

“You…I mean, you don’t have to tell me. But…Mike…he talked about a farm. When he was…y’know, at the end. Do you know what that meant?”

A sad smile tugs at his lips. “Yeah. Liv mentioned that you said that. What exactly did he say?”

She sighs. “He asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ Then he said ‘Is the farm moving?’ And then he said ‘I’ll get the truck.’ Any of that make sense?”

Sonny nods, looking down at the familiar bottle in his hand. “Yeah…yeah, it does.”

It’s easier when the conversation eases up, goes to something other than Mike. And truth be told, Sonny appreciates the way Alice talks to him, asking if he wants to go through what she packed up of Mike’s.

His phone buzzes a while later, and he picks it up.

-How’s it going?-

-Fine. Not too much crying-

“Who’s that?” Alice asks when the Dodds boys go inside.

“A friend.”

-Good. Want some company later?-

-Maybe. I’ll let you know how I’m feeling.-

“Do they know?”

“He’s actually the first person I told. Only person I thought I could trust.”

“That’s good. That you have at least one person like that.”

Sonny nods. “It is.”

_I’ve missed it. So much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it seems I have a habit of ripping my own heart out with my writing.   
> In attempt to mend my broken heart, I'm working on another Mike/Sonny story now too. Stay tuned.


	7. Christmas 2017, 2018

The blue light of the TV is the only thing illuminating the apartment when Sonny walks through the door. He can barely see the snowflakes that he dusts off his jacket, which gets left at the door with his shoes. He slips into the kitchen first, finding a few waiting containers of Chinese.

He’s still full from dinner. And he’s still not sure he can stomach it.

_I love you._

Sonny makes his way into the living room to find Barba, laying under a blanket, sprawled out on the couch. His head lifts when he hears Carisi’s footsteps on the wooden floor.

“Scooch.” Sonny insists, and Barba folds his legs up underneath himself.

“How was dinner?” Rafael asks, muting the TV. Sonny shrugs.

“Fine. Sad but fine.”

“Did you have any fun?”

He snorts. “I ate well. What about you? Shouldn’t you have somewhere better to be? It’s Christmas.”

“Ah yes, Christmas, where I could be sitting in my own apartment eating Chinese food instead of yours.”

“Chinese food and cannoli.”

“You brought cannoli?”

“Sure did. My mom made a great big batch of ‘em. I brought four home. You can have two.”

“Thanks for doing that math for me, Einstein.”

Sonny pushes Barba lightly and laughs. “Anyway. It was fine.”

“Get anything good?”

“Money mostly. My family knows what I like.”

“Really? Is that why they keep setting you up on blind dates?”

Again, he laughs a little. But the little laughs turn into brighter, fuller laughs when Barba thickens up his sarcasm and directs it at his family members.

It means they stay up talking. They don’t go to sleep until after midnight. Sonny takes his place in bed while Rafael sleeps on the air mattress. The air mattress that’s refilled just a little every night, that’s on Sonny’s side, that’s been there for days and days. There’s enough space between the beds so Sonny won’t trip over him if he gets up to use the bathroom.

Why do that again?

Sonny still hugs the pillow on the other side of his bed, searching for any hint or trace of his lover’s vanished essence. It reinforces his guilt, making his heart ache.

“Goodnight Barba.” Sonny offers.

“Goodnight…Sonny.”

His heart aches a little less, while his brain tumbles with more guilt for enjoying the sound of his name on someone else’s lips.

****

“So…you two are…what again? Exactly?” Valerie asks, breaking up the pleasant conversation the kids are having.

“What, me and Barba?” Sonny asks, tilting his head.

“No, you and Ann Marie.” His dad answers instead. Sonny laughs and rolls his eyes.

“A’right, whatever, you wanna be like that?”

“It’s a simple question, you can’t give your mother a straight answer.”

“Dad.” Bella whistles and makes a ‘time out’ sign. “Chill, will ya?”

“Yeah, we’re all having a good time here.” Gina says, though that has more to do with being on her third glass of wine.

“It’s just a simple question, really.” Valerie tries again.

“Okay ma, if you wanna know I’ll tell ya. We’re boyfriends.”

“Really?” His dad asks, hoping for another answer. “Y’sure you’re not just special friends?”

“Well we are friends. Kinda the prerequisite to being a boyfriend, ain’t it? I mean, it’s right in the name.”

“Sonny, don’t be smart with me.”

“I’m not bein’ smart, I’m just trying to get you to lighten up.”

“Well I’m sorry, but I can’t. I haven’t since your mother told me. How long you been doin’ this?”

Both his eyebrows raise. “What business is it of yours?”

“Because you’re my son. Dammit, I had three daughters I always had to worry about guys over, I didn’t know I had to worry about you too.”

“You don’t have to worry about me, dad, I can hold my own and I’ve got a gun, I’m alright.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Dad, relax okay? I’ve only been serious with one other guy, don’t get yourself all worked up.”

“Oh yeah? Well what’s he going to say when he finds out about this? You’re a guy, you know how jealous we get.”

“Trust me, that’s not a problem.”

“You sound so sure. What’s this guy’s name, anyway?”

Carisi speaks with a hard, controlled voice. “Mike.”

“Alright. Mike. How can you know Mike won’t just up and decide he wants you back and freak the fuck out when he finds out you’re with someone else?”

“Dad, it’s not like that, okay? Can you drop it?”

“No, I won’t. This is some serious stuff. How do you know it won’t be a problem? How do you know he won’t come back and take it out on both of you?”

Carisi rests his hand on the table, looking at them a moment. “You know how I know, dad? Because Mike’s dead. I don’t have to worry about him getting jealous and wanting me back because he’s dead.”

Everyone stills, watching as Dominick Senior and Junior turn shades of red.

“I’m full. Excuse me.” Sonny wipes his mouth before exiting. His footsteps clunk up the stairs and into his childhood room, where the door slams shut.

“Nice move, dad.” Teresa comments.

“Excuse me?”

“He told you to shut up about it. And did you? No.”

“This is not my fault.”

“Seriously, dad?” Gina straightens up in her chair. “Yes it is. You were trying to soothe your ego about your son liking guys and you upset him.”

“Is that why Sonny was miserable out of his fucking skull for like a year?” Bella asks, looking at Rafael. Rafael folds his hands in his lap and speaks with a controlled voice.

“I’m not going to talk about Sonny and Mike because, frankly, it’s not my place, except to say this: Sonny feels guilty for not being as horribly sad as he used to be over Mike. So not only did you force him to say out loud that Mike is dead, reminding him of all the pain and heartache he went through when Mike passed, but you also made him feel like crap for having not an amazing, not a great, but a nice Christmas without him. I hope you’re satisfied with yourself.”

Rafael punctuates his sentence with a sip of scotch. Dominick rubs his neck and excuses himself from the table.

With the mood screwed up, the family goes about clearing the plates that they had let sit since they’d been having such pleasant conversation.

The TV is turned on in the middle of _A Charlie Brown Christmas_ , but the sound seems forced.

Dessert is served: cannoli and cheesecake, and cookies too. Valerie makes up a plate and slips upstairs to her son’s room, knocking softly before she enters. Sonny’s laid on his bed, holding his phone over his face.

“Sonny.”

That gets his attention, and he sits up without letting go of the pillow he’s hugging to his chest. “Hi Ma.”

“Saved you some dessert.” She comes over to the bed, and Sonny makes room for her to sit. He puts his phone down and takes out the headphone in his ear, and starts by taking small bites of one of the cookies on his plate. She rests a hand on his back, rubbing it gently.

And she can’t help seeing his phone, still glowing bright with an image she’s never seen before. She waits until he’s nibbled down most of his cookie before asking “Sweetie, is that Mike?”

Sonny’s gaze flicks down to his phone. He hesitates a moment before picking it up, letting her see the picture. Sonny has his hair gelled back, his eyes closed, his arm slung around the other man’s shoulders, and his lips pressed to Mike’s cheek. And Mike’s wearing a closed-mouth smile, looking right at the camera.

“Oh…aw…”

“Yeah.” Sonny agrees, and puts his phone down between them this time. “It was before I came out here for dinner one night.. He…he gave me that red shirt for Christmas. And I’d given him that plaid one. So he says to me ‘c’mere, lets take pictures in our Christmas shirts’ and we did.”

She taps the screen to keep it from going dark and looks at it a little more in depth.

“He looks…sweet.”

“Yeah. He…yeah.”

“You…you miss him honey?”

“Every day.” He says, and takes a forkful of cheesecake.

“So, what about Rafael?”

Sonny stops, mid chew, before swallowing his bite. “What we have is special, too. It’s not the same, nothing ever could be, but I love him too. And he loves me. We take care of each other.”

“But Mike-“

“Yeah.” He nods, and looks at the picture again, before letting it fade.

“He’d want you to be happy, honey.”

“I am. I’m happy. I’m not the same, I know I never will be, but I’m happy. I have Rafe, and he has me. We can rely on that.”

“Do you really love him?”

“I’m not using him, mom. We made real sure of that. We waited a long time before letting our friendship turn into a romance.”

“That’s good to know. It’s good to know you’ve still got someone. Someone who will defend you. Someone who will protect you. That’s important.

All at once the tears spring to his eyes, and Sonny has to bend his head down, letting his tears fall on the pillow.

“Sonny?” She asks, her voice an octave higher than before.

“Mama…h-he was done…h-he was goin’ to a new job. H-He was…and then we got a call and Liv needed someone to go with her a-and I said I’d go…but he made something up about ‘oh, he’ll listen to a sergeant.’”

“Sonny, sweetheart you can’t blame-“

“Y’know what the last words he ever said to me were?” He asks between sniffles. “H-He turned to me a-and he said ‘let’s get this over with’ and he just gave me a little squeeze on the arm and…and…” He breaks off weeping, hiding his face in the pillow.

She wraps her arms around him, holding him until he’s quiet. And, when he is, he lifts his head and polishes off what’s left of his food.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” Valerie murmurs.

“Me too.” Sonny sniffs. “I’m sorry I fucked up Christmas, Ma.”

“Shh, you didn’t.” She hugs him tight.

_That’s on your father._

****

Sonny’s quiet on the way home. He holds Rafael’s hand, and presses kisses to his cheek every so often, but they don’t talk.

And when Rafael talks, it’s gentle. No teasing, no meanness, just little compliments or reassurances.

The apartment is their own. Sonny and Rafael’s memories. Pictures of them. Decorations from Rafael’s apartment. Knick knacks from their two vacations.

All memories Sonny and Mike never got to make.

The only trace of Mike is the jacket, hung on the back of the kitchen chair like it was left there yesterday.

Not like this is the third Christmas that Sonny’s spent without him.

Rafael is there. He’s there when they get into their pajamas and brush their teeth, and when it’s time they lay in the same bed.

Well, not the _same_ bed. Not Mike’s bed. It’s a new mattress, one that Sonny’s only ever shared with Rafael.

One he doesn’t want to share with anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, heads up, this is not the last you will see of these characters together.   
> This is all ;)


	8. May 2020

“So…you didn’t tell him the last time you went to see him?”

Sonny shakes his head. “How could I? How could I tell him that I’m finally forgetting about him?”

“Sonny, you could never forget about…him. I know you couldn’t.”

“I know, I know, but it still feels like I’m abandoning him, even though he doesn’t care. He’s dead, what does it matter to him? But I still feel it. I…I still love him.”

“Who do you love?”

Sonny’s head turns. “What?”

“Who do you love?”

“Wh-“

“You’ve spent four years coming here once every other week, once a month, and every time we talk you mention him. I know you told his father and brother about your relationship, you told your family about it. You still have his phone, his computer, and you’ve packed up all his things. I know when you finally put away his suit jacket because I have it here in my notes”

She flicks through her notebook.

“Here. Last March, you were cleaning up for a party and you picked up his jacket along with your own and Rafael’s and you put it away without even realizing. You’ve told me so much about this man, but you still won’t tell me his name.”

“Because…” He sighs and pushes a hand through his hair. “Because I’m afraid of forgetting.”

“Forgetting his name?”

“Why not? When I put things out there, I forget them. Every time I told someone a piece of our story, I started to forget.”

“And do you know why?”

“I guess not.”

“Because it was festering in you. It was eating you alive. Telling someone allowed you to let it go.”

“But maybe I don’t want to let him go.”

“Nobody is telling you to let _him_ go, just like nobody was telling you to throw him out. I know you’ve struggled with this, but you are allowed to move on. You are allowed to be happy after…”

“him. I know. It’s just so hard. I’ve started to forget things. Hell, I got so afraid of forgetting that I wrote it all down.”

“And you didn’t think to mention this?”

He sighs. “It was Rafael’s idea. To memorialize him. So I wrote it all down.”

“For how long?”

Sonny thinks, while twiddling his thumbs back and forth. “Probably…New Year’s, 2018. While I could still remember most of it.”

“And you feel like you’ve forgotten about him since you did that.”

“Yes, exactly. And I don’t want to forget about him. I don’t want to forget about the most romantic relationship I’ve ever had. I don’t want to forget his little quirks and all that, but I am.”

“If you’re so worried about forgetting him, put up one of his pictures.”

“In my home?”

“Don’t make it sound so insane.”

“But…I mean, having a picture of your ex up is pretty weird, isn’t it?”

“Okay, so print out a picture and keep it in your wallet. Make a physical photo album of all those pictures you found on his phone, even though I know you already have it backed up in three different places. Give yourself something. But please, let yourself let him go. Let yourself be happy without so much guilt. I know you still love him, but it’s okay to love someone else. It’s okay to love him still. I’ve seen you make progress, don’t regress now.”

He swallows. “I…I guess I could print out a picture or two. Keep it in that flap in my wallet I never use.”

“A picture of who, Sonny?”

A ghost of his tears push against the back of his eyes, but there’s nothing there. Nothing to push out.

“Of…of…Mike. I could print out a picture of Mike- a real picture, not just his memorial card- and keep it in my wallet. One where we’re together and we’re happy. One where he…where he looks like how I remember him.”

“How do you feel?” She asks after a moment of silence.

“Different…lighter…like I’m forgetting him though. But… I don’t cry over him the way I used to.”

“Because you’ve grieved.”

“I know, and I have, I just don’t…I don’t want to forget him. I just don’t want him to be dead.”

Her words are soft this time. “You will never want him to be dead. You’ll always want him to still be here. But you are allowed to be happy without him. You are allowed to let go. You can’t keep him alive the way you want to, the way you have been, without killing a little piece of yourself.”

She waits a moment. “Please, for Mike’s sake, let yourself live.”

****

The birds chirp as Sonny walks through the rows of well manicured headstones, looking for the one that he doesn’t really have to look for. The sound follows him as he makes his way.

A sharp pang hits his chest when he sees flowers next to the dark granite. He sits down, and keeps his voice low.

“Hey Mike…new flowers, huh? Someone brought ‘em for you? That’s nice. I, uh…I know you just saw me, and I know I like to space my visits out more, but there’s something I kinda chickened out on telling you.”

He bounces his leg, and already he can feel the dampened grass leaching into his pants.

“Um…wow…this is big…I’m getting married. To Barba. I know, I know, how could I, right? It’s freaking Barba. But he was there for me, throughout a lot of this. He was the one I reached out to and he was the one who helped me get my life together again after you…well…y’know.”

He sighs. “It’s not the same. It never could be. There are still times when…when I’ll close my eyes, and I’ll hope for just a second that when I open them again, it’s you I’ll be kissing. God, that sounds so fucked up. But…but he’s not you. And I never asked him to be you.”

Tears prick at his eyes. “I, uh…y’know, it’s kinda funny, ‘cuz, like you were always soft emotionally but physically you were a damn rock. Bur Barba’s the opposite. I mean, he’s not fat, but he’s not like you were. I…” He laughs a little as the tears graze his lip. He sniffs. “I can hold all of him in my arms, cuz he’s smaller than me. He’ll never ask to be held, but I know he loves it. And I love it too. I love him too…I’ll always love you, Mike. No matter what.” He reaches out and rests his palm on cold stone instead of the warm muscle he wants to feel.

“Things would be different, if you were alive. But this is life…and I-I’m sorry, but I need to live. I need to be happy. I lucked out and found someone else who cares about me just as much as you did. If you were here…well, I can’t do that to myself. Not now. Not again. I love you Mike. I’ll always, _always_ love you, no matter what. But I’m gonna let myself love Rafael now. Because he’s here and he’s a little bit amazing, and we love each other.”

He searches a moment for a pebble, and kisses it before resting it on the flat top of the headstone.

“I’m sorry, babe. I still love you, but I have to go now. I’ll…I’ll see you.”

Sonny closes his eyes and says a quick Hail Mary, hoping it means something, before getting up and leaving the cemetery.

****

There’s a glass of beer sat at Sonny’s place, opposite Rafael, when he shows up for dinner. His lips take a generous sip only after they press against his fiancé’s temple, a simple hello.

“How was your day?” Rafael asks. Sonny groans and takes yet another sip.

“Hell. Say whatever you want about Manhattan SVU but they’re nothing compared to Brooklyn. Fucking hell, at least we got back to our ADA’s. These guys? I feel like I’m running an interrogation to get anything out of them.”

“So what I’m hearing is you like your job and you’re glad you put your Fordham Law degree to use?”

Sonny chuckles. “No, I am. It’s just this case- I don’t know what’s up, but I know it’s gotta be bad.”

“Well, you’ll know soon enough.”

The conversation moves, drifting from work to family, to the news, which somehow loops them back to work. They look into each other’s eyes from time to time.

The extra sun has started tanning Rafael’s face, making his green eyes pop.

Those eyes that can read Sonny easily.

“So how was the doctor’s?”

“Eh.” He shrugs. “Kinda a lot. But it got me there.”

Rafael nods. "So you went and saw him today?"

"Yeah."

"You told him about us?"

"Uh huh."

"How'd he take it?"

Sonny's fork stills. "You're kidding me, right?"

"No, I'm not."

“Well I’m not expecting to hear a reply, but, you didn’t get a feeling?”

Sonny scoffs. "I talked to the open air for five minutes to make myself feel better. I didn't get any 'feeling'."

"You really don't think he's listening, do you?"

"Of course not. He’s gone, remember?” Sonny snaps. Rafael pushes the food on his plate around.

"You know, I don't miss really religious Sonny, but this...sometimes the way you talk…"

He shrugs. "What can I say? Just goes hand in hand is all. I know you miss the old, brighter, happier, thinks their prayers might be answered Sonny, but it’s just not like that anymore."

Rafael’s face saddens, and he reaches over to rest a hand on Sonny’s. “Oh Querido.”

Sonny sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m in a mood, you know how I am after I go to the cemetery. It’ll pass. Can we talk about something else?”

Rafael clears his throat. “Well…let’s see…I haven’t told you what Buchanan did today.”

“Well now I need to know.” Sonny offers, already trying to forget.

****

Sonny’s grown to enjoy the comfortable space between him and Rafael when they get into bed. The last minutes before the lights go out are spent reading or scrolling through their phones, and a kiss is exchanged before their heads hit the pillow. Sonny’s eyes close, and it doesn’t take long before he’s trapped within his own mind for the night.

The air around him is warm, and his clothes are loose. The sun is setting.

Sonny walks along the path he’s on, which he doesn’t know why he’s on, until the vast expanses of land he’s watching is dotted with a few buildings. Again, he keeps walking, past the building that looks like a home towards the one that looks like a barn. He freezes when a familiar body steps out of the building. He can see, even from this distance, the smile that pulls across his face.

And then he’s jogging over, his arms wrapping around Sonny’s waist and lifting him up off the ground

“You came to visit.” Mike pecks his cheek before pulling away. “Wow, I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, Mike.”

“I’m so glad you came. I thought you might keep walking.”

“Why would I do that?”

Mike shrugs. “You act odd sometimes.”

“Yeah, like that’s news.”

Sonny pecks his cheek, feeling the stubble that presses into the sensitive skin on his lips. “We gonna go inside?”

“No…you know, actually, I wanted to take a walk with you today. If that’s alright.”

“That’s fine. Not like I can get tired.”

“Meaning?” Mike asks, slipping his hand into Sonny’s.

“Meaning it’s just a dream. It’s not like I’m actually walking, is it?”

“No, I guess you’re right, but…Sonny, this isn’t just a dream.”

“Aw hell, this isn’t going to turn into a nightmare, is it?” He asks as they keep walking through the grass. “Is a tornado going to show up and ruin our day?”

“No…why’re you in such a mood?”

“I’m not in a mood.”

“You’re upset about something. Is it that I’m ignoring what you told me today? Because I’m not, I was getting to that.”

Sonny squeezes his hand. “Yeah? And what’s that?”

“What you came and told me about today. About you marrying Barba.”

“Uh huh, sure.”

“No, you’re definitely in a mood. What’s wrong?”

Sonny shrugs, kicking an errant rock that spins out of his range as they go along. “Dreams like this are bitter sweet. When I wake up I’m going to be upset.”

“I won’t be doing that anymore.”

“Doing what?”

“Coming and visiting you like this. I’m not going to do that anymore.”

“There it is. My subconscious, swearing off of you. What’re you going to say next? That you’ll always love me but that I’m allowed to move on?”

Mike stops him by stepping in his path. “I was going to tell you that, but I’m not your subconscious. I’m me.”

“No you’re not. You’re the version of you that I dream of to make myself feel better.”

“That’s not true. What do I have to do to prove to you that it’s really me?”

He shrugs. “Nothing really.”

“What if I told you that you changed your mind three times the other day about which grocery store to go to?”

“That’s something I would already know.”

“What if…what if I told you that Bella was going to call you the other day, before she decided she’d text you instead?”

“Circumstantial. Reasonable guess.”

He sighs and pushes a hand through his hair. “What if I told you that Rafael almost got you a fancier engagement ring before you said you just wanted a simple one?”

He shrugs. “That’s something he’d do.”

“He almost bought you a black engagement ring, because he thought it looked sleek. Here, look.” He pulls a picture out of his pocket of a ring sat in a jeweler’s cabinet that Sonny doesn’t recognize. It’s black, but around the entire thing are little black diamonds.

“Huh…”

“Ask him when you wake up. Then you’ll know.”

Sonny sighs and hands the random picture back to him. “Okay. I’ll believe you. What did you want to tell me?”

Mike sighs too,and pulls Sonny down to sit on the hill, overlooking a pasture where a few horses are grazing.

“I wanted to tell you that it’s okay for you to move on. I want you to be happy with him. You don’t have to feel guilty. You’ve held onto me long enough.”

“I’ll always hold onto you. You don’t just let go of the love of your life.”

“But I want you to be happy with Barba. I knew about him. I knew he cared about you. It’s why I pushed you to talk to him.”

Mike’s head leans on Sonny’s shoulder. “I wanted you to have someone who loved you like I did. If I could be there to do it, I would. But I know. I know you love him.”

“It’s not the same.”

“How could it be? We’re so different. But he’s stable and he’s well adjusted. And he cares. You’ll never have to worry about him leaving you.”

Sonny wraps an arm around Mike’s shoulder. His hand rests over where his bullet scar is.

“Is that all?”

“That’s not all. There’s one more thing. I wanted you to know that, even though you weren’t there, you were there with me when I died.”

“Uh huh.”

“No, I mean it. Look.” He points over towards the house, where two different versions of themselves are stood. Mike has silver hair, but he’s wearing the shirt Sonny gave him.

Sonny looks like he’s never imagined himself before. His blonde hair is long, his clothes are definitely ‘farm clothes’ and his face is sad.

“What’s wrong?” Mike asks, reaching out for him as he closes the distance between them. Sonny doesn’t miss the glint of the silver wedding band on his hand.

The other Sonny shakes his head, and looks down at a paper in his hand.

“Is the farm moving?” Older Mike asks, looking at a paper and then at Older Sonny. Older Sonny talks, but neither of them can understand what’s being said.

“I’ll get the truck.” Older Mike offers, and older Sonny takes a little comfort in that.

“Aw Sonny…” He sighs, and finally gets his arm around him. “Say g’bye Sonny.” Mike says, and the two of them look out over the same patch of land that Sonny and dream Mike are looking over.

But Older Sonny…he smiles. Just a little. He smiles and places a hand on older Mike’s cheek.

“That was your last thought?” Sonny asks, his voice thick.

“Sure was.” He kisses Sonny’s temple. “I wasn’t afraid. That’s what I wanted you to know. I wasn’t afraid because I wasn’t alone. And you shouldn’t be afraid, because you’ll never be alone. Barba’s gonna be there, and I’ll be there too, watching over you.”

“S-So you’re my guardian angel now too?” He sniffles. Mike pulls Sonny in tighter and kisses his forehead.

“I know you don’t believe in that anymore. But it’s true. I promise.”

Sonny sighs and wraps his arms around him, so the two of them are fully hugging.

“I love you, Mike.”

“I love you too, Sonny.”

****

Sonny opens his eyes to darkness, the world slowly settling in around him. He doesn’t want to be awake. He wants to be asleep. Fear hits him when he remembers his dream man’s words, saying that his dreams about him would be over.

But Sonny doesn’t believe that. Of course he’s going to have those dreams. Of course.

It was all just a dream.

Except.

Sonny reaches over and shakes Rafael awake. The smaller man groans, slowly coming to life.

“What?”

“Raf.” Sonny’s voice breaks, shocking them both. Rafael sits up, and reaches a hand over to touch his face.

“Have you been crying?”

“I-“ He clears his throat, and when he breathes in he sniffles. “A little. I need to ask you something.”

Rafael clicks on his lamp and sits up, taking him in. His hand rests on Sonny’s neck, while his thumb strokes the younger man’s cheek. “What happened? You have a dream?”

“Forget about that. I need to ask you something. What kind of ring did you want to buy for me?”

“What?”

“Just answer the question. Before I said I wanted a simple band for an engagement ring, what kind of ring were you looking at?”

“Uh.” Rafael scratches his head, his hair sticking up in all directions. “A few. I looked at one with amethysts, since it’s your birthstone. And… and I looked at one with sapphires and diamonds in it. But it was a little tacky, and then I remembered that the Yankees are blue and white, and I know how you feel about the Mets.”

“And?” Sonny asks, leaning in closer. “Any others?”

“Uh..well, I got a bit sick of the colored rings, so I found one that was black. Actually I was this close to buying it, because it looked really interesting. It had a karat’s worth of little black diamonds around that went all around. If you looked at it real quick you’d never notice. Plus, I know you like subdued colors. Good thing you said –“

“Is there any way I could’ve known that?” Sonny cuts off. He doesn’t have to say how important this information is.

“I…” Rafael thinks, hard.

“No. there’s no way. Hell, we didn’t even get our rings from the same place I looked at those other ones.”

“So…so there’s no way I could know that?”

“No.” Rafael confirms, shaking his head. “No way.”

The breath rushes out of Sonny, and he folds his arms around Rafael. Rafael hugs him back, glad that Sonny doesn’t see his spooked expression.

 _It’s true_ Sonny thinks. _It’s all true._  

_“I want you to be happy with him.”_

_“You’ll never have to worry about him leaving you.”_

_“I wasn’t afraid because I wasn’t alone.”_

_“I love you.”_

_It’s true._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end...for now.   
> I hope this was something of a satisfying ending.


End file.
